You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
You also miss 100% of the shots you do take.
Damn...you are really bad at this game.

Birds are better at flying than people.
But people have built airplanes.
Which I also don't know how to fly.
Why the fuck did I enter into a bird contest?
I'm never gonna win that bag of assorted seeds.

I hate telling people I don't drink because people jump to conclusions why...
Like, seriously, I'm not pregnant...

Today my therapist assumed I lived in a basement. That's not true, but still a valid guess.

Heads up: If you are going to post something like "We lost an amazing artist and performer today. RIP." It is INCREDIBLY important you specify that it's a post about Diane Keaton!! #lostprophets

24/7 LIVESTREAM OF GLOBAL SUMUD FLOTILLA YouTube video by Global Sumud Flotilla

The flotillas delivering aid to Gaza are being intercepted right now. My friend's brother is on one of those boats.

There's a live stream you can watch on YouTube:
www.youtube.com/live/uEN2bWF...

You can also follow along on Aljezeera:
www.youtube.com/live/uEN2bWF...

🇵🇸 #freepalestine #gaza

A dark red background with white text at the top that reads “This Week’s Streaming Schedule.” On the left side, it says “Wed 10/01, 9pm ET / 6pm PT” above the title “No, I’m Not a Human.” Below the title is a creepy, grinning, gray humanoid figure with an unsettling smile and dark hair. On the right side, it says “Sat 10/04, 9pm ET / 6pm PT” above the title “Silent Hill f.” Below the title is a serious-looking girl in a pink school uniform with a green tie and a pink bunny ear headband.

💀 Creepy month is finally here! Let's dance together on summer's grave this week! I'm live streaming on Twitch and YouTube @ GoodbyeSimonFox.

#noimnotahuman #silenthillf #vtuber #letsplay

One thing I'll say about Louis C.K.

He certainly cultivated the sort of fans who don't care that he's playing the Riyadh Comedy Festival.

Wikipedia article that says: Posadism attempts to introduce elements of ufology into Marxist thought. Arguing that only communism can allow the development of interplanetary travel, they concluded that visiting aliens from other planets must live in highly advanced communist societies and are bound to help Earth-based communists with bringing about the world revolution.

I really struggle to be the most insufferably intense person at my communist meetings. Same goes for my ufology meetups. Too much competition. But boy howdy, space comrades, did I find a way to kill two birds with one stone!

I keep getting this ad for wrap-around Oakley's with a camera attached. An invention, I imagine, that is only used for filming strippers without their consent.

Thanks for sharing that!!

Black-and-white photo of a man named Tom Lehrer adjusting a bow tie while smiling. He has short dark hair, wears dark-rimmed glasses, a suit, and a white shirt.

One of my comedy idols died! If you've never listened to Tom Leher, this nerdy looking man made some of the most hilariously demented songs of the black and white era. If you get a chance, go listen to "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park" or "We All Go Together When We Go".

#tomlehrer #musicalcomedy

I know there are much bigger problems in the world but the whole #subnautica2 situation is a real cherry on top of the shit sundae.

Come closer grandchildren...my only regret in this world...is that I never learned how to properly make that "brap brap" noise where it sounds like your mouth is a semi-automatic gun. That shit was so cool. Don't be like me, children... (Dies)

I enjoy watching the cycle of it slowly becoming a well spoken critic of Musk and his policies, only to be taken behind the shed and "fixed" into answering every question with the 14 words. Repeat every 2-3 months.

I recently joked that Dubai Chocolate just sounds like regular chocolate but made by slaves. Then I remembered how regular chocolate is made...

"Do you think he still thinks about me?"

Damn. This is dial-up era Internet. That's a trip from the past!

That's right! Dog Pee family represent!

Trump / ICE have the opportunity to do the FUNNIEST thing right now! #elon

A collection of sumo wrestling memorabilia laid out on a dark blue surface, featuring three red handprint autographs, a white "MIDORIFUJI" T-shirt with illustrated sumo poses, a KOTOSHOHO-themed colorful towel, and various small pins and plastic figurines. The items showcase support for popular sumo wrestlers Midorifuji and Kotoshoho.

My current haul of Sumo merch. Thanks for my buddy JJ for hooking me up.

#sumo #grandsumo #japan #midorifuji #wakatakakage #sumowrestling

"never heard" 65,000 people were barely waiting for their chance to scream "a-minor" live.

Dear The Past,

I just saw Superbowl LIX. The gameshow host that committed treason and become president outlawed pennies while history's greatest female tennis player crip-walked next to a Pulitzer prize winner calling the wheelchair dude from Degrassi a pedo.

Love,
Simon

(p.s. go Eagles)

🦅

Baby Bear: You ate our porridge and used our furniture!

Goldilocks: Your parents stopped loving each other and sleep in separate beds.

Re-Animator (1985)

My new book, "I Have No South Mouth and I Must Cream: 7 Spicy Tales Involving Super Horned Up Robots" was rejected because Penguin Books are a pack of cowards.

Less security is used to transport Killer Croc.

And they say there's no public toilets in NYC.

Studies show Millennials and Gen Z have fewer terracotta warrior statues to protect them in the afterlife than previous generations.