Gotta love rattlesnakes. You wish you had a maraca on your butt to let people know you're not playing.

Remember when Digiorno acted like their dough rising was a big deal? OH SHIT, YOU MEAN THE DOUGH RISES???

They're always cutting off Oscar speeches in the most humiliating ways possible, but it's all worth it so the Full House reruns don't start a minute after 11 PM.

#Oscars

Airlines: "for just $687, you may utter one sentence to a first class passenger."

Airlines: "For just $823, you can upgrade from us calling you 'fatso' to us calling you 'portly gentleman.'"

Airlines: "For only $529, we will turn on the water in the bathroom."

Airlines: "For just $428, we will confirm that our pilots are definitely sober."

Airlines: "For just $238, we will tell you the real reason we're delayed (it's because we fucked up 😜)."

Airlines: "For just $176, we will stop pointing at you when people ask why the bathroom is out of order."

Airlines: "For just $149, we will stop making fun of you on the intercom."

Funny sign for a business that has to temporarily shut down due to a snow storm: "Closed for blizzness"

“I’m thinking about leaving the Blue Man Group and going Blue Man Solo.”

Dang, how many movies does it take to learn how to train a dragon? I don't have all day here.

Me, adding junk food to my Doordash cart like a child circling toys in a Toys R Us catalog.

“You can tell this band is cool because you have no idea how to pronounce their name.”

Can’t wait for my Columbia record club wrapped for this year.

You either die "random" or live long enough to become "cringe."

Yogurt is probably in my top three types of gurt.

Going to get this shirt so I can wear it to Wendy's.

“This is my son, J.D. Power. He’s always running around with his little associates.”

You're just one high dollar purchase away from a full 30 minutes of feeling kind of happy.

Damn, you mean to tell me I’m NOT supposed to eat the silica packet?

20s: “Hey, wanna go to this party? No one is going to go and it’s a two hour drive each way. Thought I’d check it out then leave immediately.”
“Hell yeah dude.” 


30s: “Hey, I’m dying and your last chance to see me is a free three-star meal.”
“Can’t dude, gotta do laundry."

Tattoos are a good way to tell the world how much barbed wire means to you.

To qualify to be featured in an Architectural Digest tour video, you have to prove that no one has ever pooped at your house.

I'm determined to never find out what an acai bowl is.

Just once I'd like to see a bottle of orange juice have the courage to say, "100% from concentrate. Fuck you."

The conclave has decided and we will now have an Italian Ronald McDonald.

Maybach? For that kind of money I expect a Definitelybach.

"Babe, it's not a bag of Cheetos, it's an investment opportunity."