It’s crazy hair day at school tomorrow so I told my girls I’ll drop them off without brushing my hair.

My daughter said my son is my favorite and I said honey I don’t have a favorite I don’t like any of you.

Why are they called teenagers and not assholes?

I got readers and showed my son and he said I looked 70 so I turned off the WiFi.

Jews have been in Israel nearly 4000 years. If we’re talking nations the nation of Palestine was founded in 1988. Hashtag your own facts.

This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.

When you’re a parent there is only daylight losing.

I used to say to my mom you’re so mean I’m calling the cops and she’d say do it they take you away not me. Now you understand my genes.

Was listening to the radio in the car and cum on feel the noize by quiet riot came on and my girls said haha mom they spelled come wrong and that’s when I changed the station.

My daughter said she couldn’t sleep cause she’s afraid bees are in the walls and guess who else isn’t sleeping now.

I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.

I love taking pictures of the ocean so they can sit on my phone for 30 years and take up memory.

I don't know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

If moms were awarded stickers.

Me: Why aren’t you asleep?

11: I’m reading an antigravity book and I can’t put it down.

One day they won't want to hang with you anymore tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I'm on the toilet.

Remember when your mom would just drop you at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.

My daughter was complaining about her bedsheets so I said stop talking sheet and then she laughed and stopped complaining.

I fixed the lock on the bathroom door which was stupid because now I need to keep getting out of the shower to let the kids in

I was asked for a core memory but my only thought was that song about my poor meatball rollin out the door when somebody sneezed

Took the day off so I’d have enough time to fill out all the back to school forms

I never realized as an parent how much I’d relate to the teacher in Charlie Brown.

I started to make out a grocery list but then I remembered there's a writers' strike.

It’s where I started 😢

My kid told me I was a bad mom and I said in my day bad meant good so thanks.

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?

drivers are killing it*

*cyclists, wildlife, the planet

it’s not tex mex unless it’s from the texaco region of mexico