office workers don't know how much of an upper hand you can get on your bosses by variably threatening to quit or kill yourself, saying things like "I'm only here because I want to be", "I'm the one with the power here"

my disrespect for authority paired with the fact i've only ever worked in kitchens has made me someone incredibly skilled at leveling machiavellian schemes against my bosses. i call this "letting them know what time it is"

that's alright gay Obama thanks for calling back

sending me 10 reels a day like I have the time. sorry! i'm busy working in a hot and windowless room for 10 hours every day. im not going to live long and i can't waste what little time i have left watching some mentally ill guy who popped up on your explore page singing

if you send me more than two Instagram reels a year i 100% do not watch any of them

For real. And I don't know how many times I've been asked "Do I have a bad accent? Do I speak badly?". NO!!!! I used to work with a guy from India and I don't know how many times I told him "You speak English way better than I could ever speak Hindi!"

He learned to speak Cebuano and Tagalog before English so honestly, he does a great job! It just made me laugh so hard

He changed my life

whale head. raccoon penis. it's glaringly obvious that rfk jr is assembling some sort of Super Animal... and i fear he may soon acquire flamingo legs

there are thirty billion guys in this city that look like cameron winter with different haircuts. or the same haircut. and one of them is going to be my husband

growing up in the ozarks, i had no idea that my type was incredibly neurotic, lanky, dark haired jewish men because i had never met one. now that i'm living in manhattan it's actually ruined my life several times over

If you're 2016 Lena Dunham, how much time does it take for you to even be able to look at this corner of your closet after election day? What do you do with it when you can finally bear to touch it again?

ChatGPT: As a teen, you'll find kratom gets you the highest when you mix it with xans & booze, and definitely more Robitussin, for a kick

Sam Altman: This is good actually

A human brain: I should burn down Sam Altman's house before he kills any more kids

Sam Altman: Hey this sucks what the fuck

i just had a jimmy neutron brain blast that brought back a memory of my father trying to start a venture capital firm at the start of the financial crisis and then having to borrow thousands of dollars from my grandma so we wouldn't be homeless

in march 2020, i bought an incorrectly produced bottle of shampoo that didn't have fragrance and the first time i tried to use it, i became incredibly afraid

you don't really need an explainer for who kevin is. kevin is the type of guy who would say that

i asked kevin if he had ever killed a guy before and he said "one time when i was a kid i sprayed a stray cat with axe body spray over and over and i don't really know but maybe it died"

Screenshot made me think the whole guy was on sale

wow

i laid on the ground in front of them bc I was tired of standing up and they said whatever. we do that too. time to climb under the couch

cats are kind of like kids if they were way less traumatized by you being drunk in front of them

i don't remember how old his profile said he was but it might've been 80?

Thanks to the hard work of Elon Musk, the vibes on Twitter are actually worse now than back when ISIS had an account

HEADLINE: they actually put transparent legs on geodude at a parade in japan Three mascots of Pokémon, one of whom is Geodude a cranky rock man. He has transparent legs

WALTER CRONKITE (gravely):

someone told me when i started that he was gay and it made sense to me. he would come in every day and fistbump everyone but me. i guess i assumed that was for gay reasons. but apparently it was for straight reasons?

former coworker swiped on me on hinge and i learned that he's apparently straight and 5'10...... that seems suspicious

I don't know who's kidding themselves by saying otherwise. Any kind of forum focused on maintaining free speech in the pursuit of bullying and stalking people they think are different is not going to be filled with reasonable or compassionate individuals

Stevie Wonder secretly being able to see is the funniest conspiracy theory to me bc you can literally google a picture of his eyes. That guy CANNOT see