Buying my overweight son Braxtley a $180 Needoh on eBay so he’ll shut the fuck up

It’s illegal to name your baby Santa Claus, Adolph hitler , Jesus christ or C-3P0 but Malibu Barbie is fine

my goal is to always try to post something people are afraid to like

In my day there was only 2 kinds of weed, gasoline lawnmower and carpet fibers from the Playboy mansion, and it all worked on an elaborate lottery system

My tiny shred of sunshine today comes from the company I use for composting at my business, who signs off on all their emails with the salutation 'Worm wishes'

I need to stop buying up domain names out of spite because I am surprised when I get charged for renewal two years after I was mad

michelle mao as rosamund li in bridgerton seated on a couch wearing a dress that looks like the green arizona iced tea

close up of the dress which is light green and has branches with pink flowers on it just like arizona iced tea

a can of arizona iced tea

watching bridgerton s4 our girl went to the masquerade ball dressed as arizona iced tea

and tiny greg, who WAS fired

Ranking every condiment by degrees of sensuality

when will the political unrest settle down so I can go back to talking about myself???

BILL KRISTOL: Dems should immediately go on the offensive.

CHUCK SCHUMER: *loud farting noises*

Thnx

I walked two miles uphill in the icy sludge this morning just so I can honestly torture my children later

I’m getting a lot of fundraising texts from Dems, and I WONT GIVE YOU MONEY SO YOU CAN STILL DO NOTHING BUT WITH MORE MONEY

People need to start responding to ice in kind

If I got a text at 5:24 that says “a group of monks is headed to your house” I’d get my go bag and leave town before asking any clarifying questions

Large black bear with emoji hands 👉👈

After i send a problematic DM

Weather map captioned "Tracking the Polar Vortex" which just so happens to look like some big naturals, if you know what I mean. It even has low pressure icons for nipples!

DAD (pounding on the bathroom door): You better not be doing meteorology in there!

Guy on a ledge

Thinking about posting hog just to feel something

This ghoul gotta go.

Welcome welcome!

kid with aggressive look on his face sweating and eyes going solid white

me after one sip of macdonalds sprite

I should try that

Eat a pound of asparagus before bed to give yourself a fun surprise when you get up to pee in the middle of the night

I have decided to part ways with my band that does death metal covers of Anne Murray songs. I wish Shadows in the Moonlight all the best in their future endeavors

i'm great at distracting people from obsessing about their problems by giving them new obscure things to worry about instead, and if you don't like that idea I also offer doing exactly that but 10x faster

Anyone can shoplift is written in front of a picture of people walking around in a mall

But remember that the magical truth about Christmas gift shopping is