I’ll be using this from now on!

a cat is laying on its back on the floor with the words me today below it . ALT: a cat is laying on its back on the floor with the words me today below it .

I wish I knew how I made it onto that list so I could unsubscribe.

I’ve got problems now and nowhere near $1.7 billion dollars.

I’m ready to find out how I behave when I have a ridiculous amount of money because I already know how I behave when I don’t.

😍😍😍

So here’s the thing, I need to know where he got the citrus launcher before I’m prepared to pass judgment.

This is a midline!

Because IT IS

Samesies!

Hi.

I’m going shopping with my son in a few hours and I’m awake because I’m so excited that I can’t sleep and basically this is why Mother’s Day exists.

Because who else is going to be sleeplessly excited to go shopping (and possibly find themselves swiping) than your mom?

Happy Mother’s Day 💜

Not liking coffee is why I’ve never tried one.

I always wonder what my brother is thinking because you threaten to call the police if I take too long to text you back. I’m not calling you if I want people to be alive when I’m no longer upset.

Introducing for the first )but certainly not the last) time:

💎💎💎

Screenshots of two tweets: Melanie Dione @thegates0fmel • 1h Because it was a thief and a hater in the crew and a female apostle would have interrupted that canon event. MLT @TeasarMIt • 5h How come Jesus didn't have a female disciples?... Melanie Dione @thegatesOfmel "I just find it funny that Judas said he didn't have any money, but he got new shoes after he was with that dude who don't like you. That's not weird to you, Jesus?" GIF ALT 10:50 AM • 4/19/24 From Earth • 885 Views Post your reply

On this Easter Sunday, I am happy to reshare this gem.

There was no way I was leaving this one behind on the other app. It’s my favourite of the season!

Happy Easter!

a cartoon of jesus standing in a doorway ALT: a cartoon of jesus standing in a doorway

Ladies and gentlemen,

Hailing from Nazareth by way of Bethlehem.

The forge of forgiveness,
Mr “This rock can’t hold me, JC in Three!”

From the virgin womb to the empty tomb.

Make some noise on this resurrection Sunday for the one, the only

Jesuuussssss Chriiiiiiiiiist!

Your friends will save you.

Your REAL FRIENDS will save you.

My homegirl asked me if she needs to “dust off her passport” to spend the two days she has off in the week to sit in bed with me and cry.

You couldn’t pay me to come up off my friends. EVER.

a woman is covering her nose with her hand while sitting on a couch . ALT: a woman is covering her nose with her hand while sitting on a couch .

Today I called my bestest friend and said “I need a mom. I’m drowning!”

She sent me a daily schedule and told me I need to follow it for 2 weeks before I say it isn’t working.

You don’t even understand how my shoulders dropped when I had a plan I didn’t have to come up with.

Classified as what?! 😭

Babe, my child calls me “Brotherrr!”

You have enough going on and still managing everyone’s feelings and that’s not your job. Trust that they’ve got that portion under control and are offering you an opportunity to take a load off for a change. You’ll be so glad you did. 💜

We already know how that would go…remember when Black Friday sales were actually good?

I don’t even offer that anymore. You shouldn’t have asked me if you weren’t prepared to not hear the comfortable lie because I’m about to burst into tears and tell the whole truth.

😂😂😂

Light bulbs, batteries, chargers, power cables, candles, one side of every pair of shoes, shower curtains, all flat sheets, throws, blankets and duvets.

Good job, everyone! See you in 2030!

ew.com/selena-kille...

Aht! Aht! That was a particular segment of Canadian!

People have been waiting 30 years to beat your ass with the same fervour they would’ve beat your ass with on DAY ONE.

Just stay in there and live out your days where you’re safe.