* clutches anal beads *

At the bar and a guy just said to his girl “you’re not listening to what I’m saying” and my wine’s starting to taste like I’m gonna say something

I once mistakenly used my dog’s shampoo for a week and while my hair smelled funny I felt like such a good girl.

Lighting up the season

Fuk, forgot you can see my likes here…

Software: Hey I know your printer is working fine but install this update

Me: Ok I guess

Software: Now restart your computer

Me: U fuckin wot m8

fuckin to the Price Is Right theme

a post of mine that says: according to local flavor flav legend, if you say flavor flav three times in a post flavor flav himself will appear in your notifications followed by a reply that contains no text, but it is from flavor flav himself just as i predicted.

ladies and gentlemen…flavor flav

Oh, you hate being a member of an organized group? Join the club.

I freestyle rap in time to the car indicator…idgaf

Shamed the family by confessing I jerk off to Britney videos..

I live in hope that one day Mondays will be optional..

One day you’re young and the next thing you know you’re setting your phone font size to “billboard”.

The last thing I want to imagine is all the fucking people, John.

A meme showing Willem Dafoe from the life aquatic on the left side kind of sporty looking in a short set and on the right side all drizzled from the movie the lighthouse Willem Dafoe and on the left side it says blue sky with an invite code and on the right side it says two years later

Accurate

An avalanche, but it's Tupperware.

VW microbus turned into a bladeless helicopter

No time to explain. Get in the Volkscopter

First date idea:

a nap contest.

Lactose intolerant?
Me too, hate missing toes

Pulled up my yoga pants so high I nearly busted a nut.

Add to cart link for shitposting.com premium domain name $9,995.00

Dad, I need to borrow $10,000 to start my online business

Murder, She Nose Whistled

If I say you are attractive I mean it. It's like with ugly babies if they aren't cute I just say awww.

Your rocket. The space between my legs.

When she gets all cute with me, my foreskin curls back like a tight turtleneck sweater..

I’m a nice guy, just difficult with assholes

I'm feeling open casket presentable today. Go me