I’m back from a brief social media detox. Just drinking broth for now and then I’ll gradually reintroduce investment scams

Anyone else remembering Bluesky in the middle of the night? I might as well face it im addicted to Threads

Oh my goddd I completely forgot to go to space yesterday

Let’s keep TikTok but ban lip syncing

I just checked Jeff Bezos’ wedding registry and it’s all stuff from Flipkart

My neckline today is plunging lower than Tesla

One way to spot a psychopath is if they’re selling cheesecake on Facebook Marketplace

It feels weird to be this economic blackout drunk so early in the day

Where God closes a Joann Fabrics, somewhere he opens an experiential retail space for Meta to collaborate with Ray-Ban

Robots are definitely taking our jobs. My pizza was just delivered by a glambot

I just invented a facelift where threads are inserted under the skin and then attached to an overhead drone

All is well- just witnessed the person who’s been giving me advice for the last ten years eat their own ear wax

My barista drew a heart on my coffee cup, and I guess my one question is…how did they get into my house?

I need to throw my gum away but I can’t find a nearby Cybertruck

It’s the Year of the Wood Snake! Or the Year of the Particle Board Snake, depending on your budget

Can't wait for the end of Dry January- it's gonna feel so good to take a shower

Party City is closing down?? I'm going to the Party City Council meeting to protest

As directed, I store my garlic in a “cool, dark place”- an abandoned hospital in Saint Petersburg

Thank god I found this recipe for Foolproof Fudge- I normally have to leave town after being publicly humiliated by it

It wasn’t easy unsubscribing from emails from Kamala Harris but I need to make room in my life for bigger things like emails from Zappos

You know they’re cheating when they come home smelling like Threads