In retrospect, naming our band Sold Out was a terrible idea.

I’ve lost Hope and Faith

-Really bad babysitter

I haven’t lost my mind, I very intentionally set it down somewhere I knew I would forget it.

The "7 year Itch" is followed by the "8 year infection" and the "9 year stop picking at it".

me: i’d like to donate my body.

science: yeah, no. we’re good.

i will sleep when im dead pffft sleep now until then some people are such underachievers

Lumbar support? Mine gave me a big hug and whispered "it's not your fault"

My electric frypan died so now I have to use an acoustic one.

In a toxic relationship with my banking app.

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s!” while you were proposing today

April Fools' Day: because lying to people needed its own holiday.

I don't schedule doctor or dentist appointments for April 1st in case my healthcare providers have a warped sense of humor.

‘Still punk’ I whisper to myself as I put the whole creme egg in my mouth in one go.

Can Americans just skip this day ? We don't need any extra foolery right now.

[reading a book in first person] i dont remember doing any of this

Of course you have my undivided attention I am bad at math.

a woman’s place is in the kitchen boiling the bones of her enemies into a rich nourishing broth

Go to the moon? In this economy?!

do i need to watch artemis 1 to understand the sequel, artemis 2?

I will never work as hard as a spoiler on a Toyota Corolla.

How refreshing to see actual astronauts in space for a change.

If you shoot for the stars and end up on the moon, you've made a major miscalculation and your days as an astrophysicist are over.

APRIL FOOLS!

I shout as I take off my push-up bra.

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

Sorry i used two exclamation points; i was a different person then

your powers of seduction are no match for my obliviousness

[First day harvesting souls]

Me: 🎶 I've got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine...🎵

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don't ban him.

god knew i would be too powerful if i could parallel park