"fuck it, we'll do it dead" - bill o'reilly, probably

Hey everybody! I am taking the helm of this classic American institution with @theonion.com and want to know what you fine folks would like to see from us.

Trump dropping his sassy little ad-libs in while reading from the bible on television. Drawling "and that's really so true" and "it's really amazing" as he plods through a verse chosen because Pete Hegseth's pastor thinks it justifies pre-emptive war. What a cool age we're in.

I think the techbro fascists are extremely worried about the idea of a pope who understands technology and philosophy and knows bullshit when he sees it

rapidly changing district but the shtick probably matters a little more until it's a truly competitive district. like if republicans put forward a normal republican in the previous cycles she loses.

“Muller’s mother, Marilyn, voted for Trump three times and says she still supports his politics…It was probably one of the more ignorant comments I have ever heard come from his mouth.”

No Marilyn, it’s just the first time it affected you personally. You were totally on board with this.

i’m such a stupid fucking mark for trying to “work” and “follow the law”

What you need to understand is the vast gulf between:

People who see the rules as guidance informing them of what good behavior look like,

vs

People who see the rules as a starting point for figuring out exactly what they can get away with before someone intervenes.

Pope: [moral critique of illegal war]

President: I am Jesus. Thr pope is gay

Media: they are feuding😳

And literally the same constituency protested WW2 rationing as government overreach. WW2 lacked a media environment that amplified a fringe. Also, the USA got the rosy sheen of being the hero in a moral war when it was all over.

if we want the vibecession to end perhaps we should be focused primarily on reducing the grinding existential dread of the future that even many objectively comfortable and highly-paid people seem to be feeling nowadays - and yeah, i do think there are practical things one could do to improve this.

The idea that this was staged is farfetched. I think the reason Team Trump was secretive on some of the details related to the shooting has a simpler and less conspiratorial explanation: his injuries were extremely superficial, but his team wanted to exaggerate them for sympathy/narrative reasons.

an obviously mentally ill x demented guy who is not only a pedophile but massively implicated in a sophisticated pedophile ring. that he is actively covering up. who tore down half the white house and now is locked in some permitting dispute over the smoking hole in his lawn. invincible to us media

libertarian scholars struggled with the conundrum of how to reconcile private ownership with the fact that all ownership has its root in at some point illegitimately seizing something that was public, conservatives neatly resolved this dilemma by saying "so?"

George Lucas Saying “And then 'Senator Crappo' will be the guy who makes the taxes worse"

We should have never doubted this man

including toys in this is so fucking funny. sure all your medical care and childcare has gone up over 100% but at least TVs are 11000% abundance (?)

didn't...didn't the largest protest in American history happen a few weeks ago? ...does that not count?

All Birds Aren’t Real

If you don’t believe we are in a bubble you are in denial

Brady created this exclusive program as a way to give back to healthcare professionals who supported him throughout his career. The goal is to make metabolic health care more accessible to the workforce responsible for the nation's health. Healthcare professionals represent one of the largest workforces in the U.S., with roughly 22 million professionals working across hospitals, clinics and health systems nationwide. "I relied on incredible healthcare professionals who helped me stay on the field," said Brady. "These were the coaches of my life. They fought for me and now I want to fight for them. If you are a healthcare professional and you want to join eMed's exclusive program, reach out to me at tom@emed.com. I mean it."

Backed by eMed's recently announced funding raise of $200 million at a $2 billion valuation, the company is offering cost certainty with measurable health outcomes, underscoring its conviction in the model and the importance of supporting the healthcare workforce. "Tom and I built this program because we know the best CEOs are acutely aware that a healthy, productive workforce is a business imperative and must be affordable," said Linda Yaccarino, CEO of eMed. "Healthcare professionals are the ones who keep everyone else going and they deserve the same standard of care they provide. That's the new standard for how workforce health must be delivered." The market leader in employer-based GLP-1 programs, eMed offers predictable pricing, medication and clinical services, and measurable outcomes. Members see an average weight loss of 24 pounds, 96% show reduction in pre-diabetes markers within six

I had missed that the CEO of Tom Brady’s telehealth company was Linda Yaccarino — the former CEO of X!

Oh are we dropping crime fighting Catholics?

Avasarala from the Expanse with a speech bubble to a tweet insulting the Martian eclipse and saying it was another W for Earth, the best planet in the universe

stolen from @ausir.bsky.social

Trump staring directly into an eclipse.

Trump staring at nothing, eclipsed by crisis.

Dumbass clown // Dying monster

What can you say, the children yearn for microtones

[patriotically] quebec government funding

they’re King Gizzard for people who love Everything Everywhere All At Once (complimentary)

yeah they're like a Daft Punk for Rush fans