I’m concerned my 401K is really a Wile E. Coyote style fake painting of my savings.

My white underwear has a bunch of green stains on it does that count for St Patrick Day?

Sorry i'm late, just not into it, you see

my eyes are green so fuck off

Vodka and French fries are the true way to celebrate my people today.

Kiss me. I'm braless.

A group of people fucking around online on a Monday morning is called an American Workforce.

- It's obviously a dorsal fin. Did you really need ME to tell you that?

- Well, doctor, I didn't have it yesterday.

Eating wasabi peas and crying at my desk

I would, but I don’t have the energy to open my heavy crypt door today.

Happy American St. Patrick’s

the morning alarm is the biggest betrayal

I have an eidiotic memory

We don’t care what is happening on that hellsite, let it go.

Pretending to be normal is fucking exhausting

Stick with me and we’ll be first to the bathroom at intermission.

this stock photo of a hot mental patient is making me sign up for online therapy

butthole skeeting >>> politics skeeting

The cost of living has gotten so high that I started selling feet pics.

My husband is kinda pissed about it but in the end, it was my sole decision.

Don’t worry about me.

I’m just walking around like a lopsided pancake.

[dinner party host] ugh this wine is piss

[me, a kinky boy] oh wow okay i could use a top up

Apparently Golden Grahams aren't even made with real gold‽

Call me old fashioned but I never skip the intro on the 1st episode.

me: my skeets are complete garbage

reply guy: that is offensive to actual garbage

i put the 'dude' into "dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

My own version of an extreme sport is making it to the front door before my neighbour talks to me.

🥰