Squirrels have it made. They forage for food all day while doing parkour and when the weather sucks, they just stay in bed for days.

You know what's cool about technology? The fact that your kids who are hundreds of miles away can still interrupt you having sex.

It's spring which means it's time to clear out your old ear hairs to allow for new growth.

Most of my day revolves around how long it takes my meds to kick in.

based on this statistical model i made after licking 47 of them there are no daddies made of sugar

Me: I'm gonna eat burritos and watch The Pitt, hope nothing gross happens in this one

Noah Wyle: OK PEOPLE WE GOT A NOROVIRUS OUTBREAK AT BURRITOFEST

Knuckle

open.spotify.com/album/7nZx2Z...

My son’s solo project Laughing dropped the EP ‘Knuckle’ on Spotify today..
Go check it out

My cat has a British accent and that’s crazy cause he doesn’t even have a passport.

with all due respect your honor I did just say got your nose

one thing I will not do is complain
*immediately chokes to death on the complaints lodged in my throat*

perpetually one self-help book away from fixing my life

is brianha a female brian, a human piranha, or both?

Ioad bearing vagina, is this anything?

"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.

i fear that with all the flaming hot craze that everyone has forgotten about cool ranch doritios

my saturday’s are pretty much penciled in until our lord blesses me with the yard sale selling the perfect velvet depiction of his likeness

Do you ever black out for 48 hours and come to near a freshly filled grave?

BYOT.. bring your own toilet paper.

College dorms are useful if you want to study STDs but don’t want to have to grow them yourself

Coloring all my eggs depression blue.

disciples: we thought they killed you

jesus, dark and grittier, can say fuck: i got picked up by hbo max

washing all my pastel colored pants before they cut my power out

Imagine marrying Pac-Man and having to take his last *and first* name.

so do we instantly implode without a space suit or not

getting kick out of the artemis II rocket for continually pressing my ass against the window and asking the captain if he sees the moon yet

Do you ever think that you can hear the pores near your ear canal excrete oil or are you normal?

The moon is wearing her fuck me heels tonight

The sales pitch to be an alpha male is wild, like, do you want to be lonely and constantly angry? Do you want the only pussy you'll ever touch be the one you came out of? Then the manosphere is right for you!