Well soooooomebody is trying to keep his job by pleasing Daddy.

We're committed to other stuff tonight (and last night) but we're so ready for tomorrow morning to wrap it up.

have there been similarly culturally pervasive “everyone needs to start using this tech right now” pushes over such a relatively brief time frame as we’re currently seeing with LLMs? (This is a very genuine question)

We can’t all be beautiful, some of us have to be content with being too large to be carried off by a giant bird

Someone should probably tell the rich that workers banding together to present formal address of grievances, is the alternative.We worked out a long time ago to breaking down the factory owner's front door and beat him to death in front of his family.I feel they forgot.

No notes

I have a coworker who will “so, long story short” after way too long of a story multiple times daily. He’s never once made a long story short, though he’s quite adept at doing the opposite.

I keep thinking I see Roger Stone, but I’m just in South Florida and every man looks like that

A WHOLE CIVILIZATION WILL DIE TONIGHT My son needs lunch, and I have to put his backpack together, but a whole civilization will die tonight, so I'm wondering if they've closed their schools. Like, a snow day, maybe, except instead of snow it's "keep your children home so if you die, you die together" — instead of "well open back up once the plows have cleared" it's "we don't know if we'll be here tomorrow, hold your babies tight." It's just "talk" I'm told, which I've been told before. "It's how the president makes his deals." But I've never heard anyone talk about other human beings this way, and I'm not certain I can look my son in the eyes if we all agree to stomach it one more time. A civilization will die tonight, but as I zip up his backpack and kiss him off to school I think: if this is what we call leadership then I'm not entirely sure ours isn't already dead. @michaelfdubois Mukad A QuBoy @michacifdubois

Brutal.

**gently grabs your face**

Listen, the world is full of so many horrors--things out of our direct control. We do what we can, as we can. But there's no magick button labeled Fix This Now.

It's important to reach toward joy. Take your meds. Have a snack. Make plans. Laugh. Look at the damn moon.

Hot! I'm not there yet but I also feel like it's going to be so easy this season I'm not even worried about getting to 3k

Barbie doll looking angry with a cigarette

Pam Bondi made it home after a bad day

I will be forever in awe of this exchange

This would be a bad time for a 1,000 foot tall alien named The Adjudicator to appear floating in the sky and proclaim he has come to judge humanity. I hope any cosmic entities wait a few years before deciding Earth’s fate

An image of a cartoon character known as the Grand Galactic Inquisitor from The Venture Brothers. He stands exceptionally tall in a crimson robe with black and gold accents. He has a golden helmet and a single red eye projecting a beam of red light.

So glad I was not the only one whose brain immediately went to The Grand Galactic Inquisitor

The end of the mass consumer society. We've been priced out of capitalism and the market economy. Where we go from where is anyone's guess.

this is turning out to be one of the onion's all-time classics

Hearing a lot of jealousy today from people who live in countries where their main healthcare professional doesn’t have any raccoon penis bones at all

NEW: After Indiana passed its draconian abortion ban, an interfaith group of women in 2022 sued the state, arguing the ban violated their religious liberty rights. A trial court just granted a permanent injunction against the ban. Thread 🧵:

In order, 5 3 2 1 4 7 6

Realistically I will never CHOOSE anything but 5 or 3 if I’m supplying myself.

First protein cigarette will go hard

Happy Laura Palmer's Murder day to those who celebrate.

This is true in rougly the same sense that a guy on the subway reeking of urine, screaming, and waving a knife around is “feared.”

One cool thing about unequivocally hating AI is that you will be proven right over and over again every single day

Oh yeah, because vibe coding has been working out SO WELL...

I can't wait to watch the plagiarism engine patch some legacy COBOL program that's already held together with the spaghetti code equivalent of duct tape and bubble gum...

I think the fun thing about the latest John Oliver episode is that he’s mainstreaming what has been common discourse here for months, in that if you’re a government official/reporter/someone who considers themselves a non-Nazi then what the FUCK are you still doing on X?

This is exactly right. The Onion quietly left Twitter a month ago and... our weekly subscribers went up. It's because we're doing well here, on Instagram and on YouTube.

As a business, being on Twitter is somewhere between useless or detrimental, unless you're selling boner pills.

Every news story is now “State Senator Randy Pervert (R-Springfield) was indicted on 8 counts of lewd behavior with a child under 12 and has been put on paid leave from his two jobs as Border Patrol liaison and youth pastor at First Presbyterian (PCA) where parishioners say they were ‘blindsided.’”

A burrito smothered with cheese and salsa rojo accompanied with fresh pico, sour cream, and guacamole

A reddish purple margarita

Valentine’s Day brunch was a wet burrito con huevos and a black diamond margarita made with fresh cherries. It was divine and a beautiful day to chill outside.

They literally dragged a minor employee out of a Target as he was wailing that he was a US citizen, roughed him up in their car, and then dropped him off bloodied and bruised in the freezing cold a couple of miles away, so miss us with this.

Brooks Otterlake @i_zzzzzz Inventing a new lifestyle philosophy called "The Nine Delights" where each day you try to experience at least three of the nine delights 10:05 PM • Jun 25, 2021 [replying] Brooks Otterl... @i_zzz... Jun 26, 2021 Replying to @i_zzzzzz [screenshot of ios notes] THE NINE DELIGHTS Walking Around Fellowship Deliciousness Transcendence Goofing Amelioration Coitus Enthrallment ** WILDCARD **