Explain it to me like I wasn’t listening at all the first time

I’m a creature of habit. Terrible, self destructive habits

She a baddie bro (bad person)

Oh so now I’m the bad guy just for being a bad guy

Thank god I can’t backflip I’d be doing that shit everywhere

Every once in a while I’ll wake up feeling a little too happy. Like calm down, it’s Tuesday

So Kanye DOES like fishsticks in his mouth

Imagine you’re being chased by a serial killer and he’s running after you with his hands in his pockets

Your secret is safe with me, I wasn’t listening

You can tell if someone likes you by the position of their legs. For example, if they’re over your shoulders they like you a lot

Ah, memories!

Apple featured photos be like, “look remember when you were happy and fit, you worthless piece of shit?”

Dating a crazy person is fun but exhausting.

Or at least that’s what I’ve been told by several partners

“I hate to break it to you” just kidding I love to break it to you. Let me break your spirit with this crushing information

*American factory workers trying to build an iphone*

“THE CHINESE BUILT THIS IN A CAVE WITH A BOX OF SCRAPS”

If you get most of your password right it should still work

When Mike gets you hard, make lemonade. or however that goes

The trick to surviving any economic downturn is being so poor already it doesn’t effect you at all

Not exactly trying to go scorched earth like that. Just sticking to something that’s more sustainable

Sticking to a diet through the entire weekend requires a different kind of discipline

Pretending I have enough money and investments to actually care about what’s happening with the stock market

Yup lol. Sneezing be feeling a little too good sometimes

A good sneeze can alter the trajectory of your entire life

Tuesday through Wednesday is like some purgatory devoid of hope. Just when you’re thinking about ending it all, it’s Thursday and you can see the dim light of Friday at the end of the tunnel

If I gave any less of a fuck I’d be a cat

Every breath this beautiful Saturday morning feels like a quiet rebellion against the chaos of the week gone by

I persist just to prove my imaginary haters wrong

Wanna come over and get high while we read the Epstein files

You’d think I’d be more jacked from pushing this boulder up this hill every day

I like this