H from Steps can finally live in peace

Took less than two weeks of living with my girlfriend for her to start calling me 'Da Toilet Clogga'

guy who pronounces geobaskets like geoduck

heard the worlds poshest rugby lad say 'Henry, I'm gonna have a wrestling match with the fanny tonight, and my bed is the ring' earlier, England should be destroyed

when this notification came up i didn't recognise your handle and thought a random horny guy had been searching 'cuck chaise lounge'

In a hotel that has what I can only describe as a 'cuck chaise lounge'

*seeing a hot girl*

jock: wow her body is so sexy!

nerd: i bet her mind is epic!!

sean kingston: i think i'm really going to do it this time

soon you will be able to respectfully look me in the eyes

yeah baby yeah!!!!

met a VERY friendly cat who decided to hop on my knee next to stapleton road station

Basically influenza labs surveil what flu strains are going round throughout the year and report their data to the WHO, have a conference and decide what strains are riskiest that year

whenever i occasionally slip and buy a pack I am genuinely astonished at how bad my hands stink for the next couple days

i remember to close my door when leaving the house every day yet these cowboy roros leave the big ass ramp open

but doctor, i AM shaggy2dope

Herman Melville's "Moby Dick" has perhaps the most memorable opening line in all of Western literature: "I hope you motherfuckers like reading about whales"

COLE: COOP, THEY CAUGHT THE CEO SHOOTER. HIS NAME WAS TONY SPAGHETTI, REAL BOY NEXT DOOR. ABS LIKE ADONIS. POLITICAL IDEAS OF A FUTON. PERHAPS THE IDEAL MAN

Jesus gives his bravest soldiers the most diarrhoea

Sun Tzu said it, not me

the game winning strat is to reduce her HP to zero before she reduces yours to zero

the bathroom is my home now

Felt somewhat inevitable that while spinning the 'wheel of infectious diseases' for the thousandth time in my life that it would eventually land on norovirus

California license plate with text "BGJONSN".

Customer: THIS IS MY NICK NAME. IM 6' AND 265 LBS. AND MY LAST NAME IS JOHNSON. SO EVERYBODY CALLS ME BIG JOHNSON
DMV: JOHNSON= D*CK

Verdict: DENIED

things are popping off downstairs at work

Mr Beast is giving away the Mandate of Heaven to whoever can suck themselves off the most 'demurely', get stretching fellas!

If I had the Mandate of Heaven I would simply choose not to lose it, personally

Red sky at night, shagger's delight
Red sky in morning, shaggers warning

My housemates have a new bit where when I make my weekly Sunday bread they start chanting 'Ged Bread! Ged! Bread!' when I pull it out the oven

(Stepping on an upturned plug and the metal prongs penetrate into the bottom of my foot, but it immediately charges my brain and I quickly do the math problem 9+7) 🗣️ 17 .

diolch big man!!