If a woman with too many cats is called a crazy cat lady, what is a woman with too many dogs called? Nonexistent.

If only you were my phone screen, you'd have been smashed long before now, patriarchy

On noooo! Marsha, that's exactly my fear! 😅

When you're in bed debating if the snacks in your kitchen are worth getting up for ...

😆😆😆

"Armed and Dangerous" at 56 is me sauntering out of the garden center with my mosquito repellant plants

St. Rip is the patron saint of Patrón

St. Ain is the patron saint of laundry.

heh heh

St. Ork is the patron saint of babies.

Feel The Bern😝😝😝

Definitely a good (hilarious) apple 😉

If I were an apple, do you think I would be a funnycrisp?

Lol!!! Hope you are well, and your kiddos. Miss the crew. Im hardly on anymore. 😘

Green eyed woman in pink tee that says "Are you Ben Affleck's knee?"

@toomanycommas.bsky.social

Well, are you???

Even though I'm the only one who drives my car, I have to adjust the mirrors and air directions EVERY TIME

Go on and cry in your coffee but don't come bitchin to me still hits

If it's so amazing for you why isn't it called the G.O.A.T.meal?

I didn't have an imaginary friend as a child, but my mum liked to pretend that I did.

I couldn't possibly eat anymore candy unless it's another kind of candy

Breaking: our sources in the Vatican tell us the talent round has ended, eliminating several candidates, including a cardinal who performed "Kumbaya" on a recorder. The pope hopefuls now move on to the swimsuit competition

Lord heavenly father, save us!!!!!!!!!!

Every single day, that bloated carcass of a president goes out looking the way he does, yet every article is "Have you seen Pamela Anderson???" who merely stopped wearing makeup.

*shifting everything from Friday’s to-do list over to Monday’s to-do list*

Like a fallen ice cube kicked under the refrigerator, these are the days of our lives.

Hey Ladies, I used to Fight for My Right to party all the way To the 5 Boroughs but now I'm lucky if I can make it to Brooklyn on no sleep. I used to be Sure Shot but now it feels like Sabotage.

- Paul Revere

"Each piece of laundry must be folded as soon as it comes out of the dryer" and other songs by Doechii

What's the point of dressing in black, if not to make the cat hairs pop?