#halloween

Waiting for my wife to approve this Halloween costume of a husband who can make decisions independently

Dads don’t need the A/C, they just pop the collar on their tucked in polos to stay cool

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world has returned back to normal

Just got back from 10YOs last science project fair of the year, and happy to share that since 1st grade utill now there has been a tremendous growth in the effort put in by the parents

My wife still brings up that one time in 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor

A slow cooker shaped phone. Call it a crock a dial

No

From now on I am telling myself all my skeets have been bangers, the likes just disappeared

Walked my dog past a group of dads at a barbecue, now my dog won’t stop talking about property taxes

It’s not a couch covered in laundry, it’s an art installation titled “couch made of laundry”

I know things ordinary people don't know because ordinary people don't talk to squirrels.

My kids are hooked onto bubble tea. A friend said their kid threw up after trying it at a new place. I am so excited to find that store and take my kids there so they experience that and give up boba tea

Regular coffee comes from beans, expensive coffee from Mercedes beans

Good mor….

I’m starting a new game at work, it’s called “if you use the word ‘good’ in the same sentence as the word ‘morning’ you owe me a coffee”

To the world you may mean nothing, but to someone you may mean especially nothing

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world has returned back to normal

If your kid is struggling with constipation or taking a bath what really works for us is asking them to do the dishes, those magic words get them straight to the bathroom

Everytime a child makes a dad joke a Home Depot stud finder proudly beeps

Mine are 🎶 Graze of glory 🎶 and 🎶 who let the cows out moo moo 🎶

What’s your favorite track from this festival?

a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single: "who wants to go for a walk? who's a good boy?!"

—shih tzu

Please don’t sit next to me…

Please don’t sit next to me…

Please don’t sit next to me…

FUCK!

- me on public transport

Instagram went down today. It’ll stop once it gets married

Deja yay! 😁

Happy Monyay!

there you go! 🤣

For Lent I am giving up asking permissions from my wife, once she says it’s ok

Every 27th email of the day from the school should include a discount code for couples therapy or a liquor store or both