me: they want an equestrian therapist
kade: okay, but what kind of issues could a horse really have?

"you can just buy us a ticket to vegas from phx"
"umm... i can buy you a one way ticket to tuba city... on the flixbus"

I'll show you every version of yourself tonight

losing you is easier than lying to myself that you love me

"there's a 50% chance of roaches"
"and there's a 100% chance i won't be paying for this place"

swiftie declaration of independence just dropped 🚨🚨🚨

during colors is crazy

what do you fucking mean i'm 10,410th in line

HOLY SHITT

what the actual fuck is going on bro 😭😭😭

this mental health forecast is not looking good

all my love and patience unappreciated

end of an era

"here's red wine. don't worry, you can still put ice in it🙄"

"i have a migraine"
"get botox"
"it's a blood flow issue"
"then jerk off"

clementine

when your quality time friend says they wanna spend time with you🥹🥹🥹

post-pump pump

"I tell you everything, every damn embarrassing thing. You don't trust me"

my friend is having chicken served at her wedding. but at least i know in advance so i can bring squeezable applesauce with me so i can eat it.

ur SO MEAN BRO

i'm gonna crash out

"ur being flirty bro"
*picture you by chappell roan starts playing*

if i had a friend like me, i'd probably fall in love with her too

I don’t want you
but I want you to spend the night
I don’t like you
But I’d like you to spend the night

you understand ginger culture

*ends presentation*
"thank you and please hold your questions." *walks away*

yo RUSSO...wanna smooch?

monkey brain activated

see this is what happens when i hang out with bald people