Maybe this calls for a reframing of my goal, so that i'm not pressuring mysef to rush my healing (bc i just can't rush it). #eatingthings

But still, i feel so bleh today. I'm frustrated and disappointed at myself for having 5 binges this month, when my goal for the year is an average of 1 binge per month.

Despite having eaten ~6000 calories yesterday, I'm surprisingly not that bloated this morning. Probably bc all the extra cals were spaced out throughout the day.

And my eating is definitely better when i'm in a place where i'm not stressed out socially.

...over constantly flitting around from group to group. Maybe I'm more able to accept this personal preference of mine bc i don't think alone time = loner time anymore. In fact, alone time is when i'm the most productive at working towards what's important to me.

Ngl, cutting down on my social plans has really helped with my energy levels. That's not to say that i never want to socialize, but maybe i'm learning that i prefer fewer, more enjoyable social interactions (1:1's, shared active activities, etc.) with people whom I truly enjoy talking to...

I actually endured fairly well during the actual event, but all my stress came out with a vengeance once i got home. How do i at least stop that after-effect part? #eatingthings

Why i overate: social stress, boredom while also feeling stuck and obligated to stay at the event

How i prevented the overeat from turning into a binge: i gave myself full permission to just sit with that bag of chips and eat until i was done.

How i know it wasn't a binge: i actually slept the whole night through without waking up from hot flashes or thirst

It's only been a couple days since i started this intention, but i did find in those days that it was significantly easier to have a stable relationship with food than last week. #eatingthings

So i'm going to be intentional about mentally scheduling in that me-time as consistently as i can, while also being more picky about which people and social plans i say yes to.

I really do think 2025 is a year of focus for me, not just in my goals, but also in my social life. I find that i'm happiest when i have ample me-time to do my own things (this could be either when i'm actually physically alone, or just doing my own thing while co-existing with others).

I'm trying something a bit different in terms of my social plans. I had three binges last week (which sucked also bc two of them were in the first days of the new year), and all of them were bc my cup was so empty from all the social plans and lack of self-care routines.

Ok, gotta give this one a fair shot, and see how it works #eatingthings

I literally bought baby-sized toothbrushes and travel toothpaste to carry in my wallet with me when i need it in social settings.

Along with remembering my ideal eating habits (3-4 reasonable meals per day), i want to make it harder for me to binge. By taking action (despite not wanting to) and doing things like brushing my teeth, turning on a podcast or music, and laying down or stretching.

Why do i keep trying to rely on my own self-discipline? What if i try playing smarter, not harder?

Alas, what's done is done. So today, i'm going to focus on drinking lots of water, taking lots of walks, and not expecting that i'll be able to write and study today. But if i can, thats great. It's just that my stomach feels too uncomfortable to be sitting. #eatingthings

Then yesterday, i could've gone out for a morning walk instead of saying yes to making pancakes with the bf, bc i knew that i really wasn't hungry at all. I could've prioritized my personal needs that morning and gotten that time to move and reset myself before the day's events.

For cafe day, i could've managed my expectations better and expected to go with the flow of the group instead of expecting that i could do my own stuff that i wanted to do more. And then i could've gone home to eat and reset myself before going out that night.

What i could've done instead: while baking the pumpkin bread, i could've given myself full permission to eat one slice after it finished baking, instead of feeling like i shouldn't (bc i overate for dinner), and then ending up eating some anyways and then spiraling.

Starting 2025 with a binge. God i feel horrible. I need to focus on really prioritizing the things that fill my cup every single day: a good bout of exercise, coffee and chill time, and 3-4 reasonably portioned meals. Bc then i'm way less likely to spiral #eatingthings

Just keep going, keep trying. My focus for this next week is to remember the big picture, that even if i overeat every single meal (which, i need to learn to trust myself that that won't happen), that's ok as long as they're not binges. #eatingthings

I know it wasn't a big binge bc i actually slept through the whole night without waking up hot and thirsty. But it was still a binge bc of the mental state that i was in.

Just gotta keep going. Keep trying to remember the bigger picture. #eatingthings

Why'd i do it? I think it was the old fuck-it mentality, bc i overate for dinner and then also emotionally ate while baking things afterwards. So a part of me said fuck it, and decided to binge.

But it was a frenzy for sure. I melted chocolate chips and leftover pumpkin puree and some oat milk together and ate that concoction (it was honestly pretty good), on top of the rest of the box of alternative oreos and handfuls of chocolate chips while driving back home.

Damnit, i binged. Thankfully, it was quick. Bc once i got that first glimpse of a sickening feeling, i lost my appetite and stopped. Which definitely means i'm going in the right direction.

And after eating dinner while watching the movie, i made myself comfy on the couch and could actually enjoy the rest of the movie without too many thoughts of food in my head #eatingthings