Not long now until every Radio 2 show will be hosted by Shaun Keaveney #scottmills

Doom scrolling but on Pornhub

I have trouble finding time to be alone in my house to masturbate, so I've booked a ticket for the Melania film.

Opens news app.
"Trump..."
Closes news app.

Yo, Americans! Remember this?: The right to bear arms in the U.S. is protected by the Second Amendment, which states: "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed".

"A free state". Think about it.

It used to be that if you had a time machine you would go back and kill baby Hitler, now I would go back and ask Frank Sinatra to have his mob friends whack Donald Trump

Breathing is bad for you. It's the second worse thing you can do after not breathing.

We all know why farage doesn't want an investigation into Russian influences...
#farage #reform #Russia

New Enid Blyton book seems a bit dark

Kathy Dennis wank bank flashback

My wife never took paracetamol during pregnancy, despite how bad any of her hangovers were.

I saw a post that said "the final boss of Autism is Menopautism" and thought you might like it.

Sophie Turner to play Lara Croft in my sordid, filthy dreams

Just heard them on the radio say they're giving free tickets to Alanis Morissette, surely she can afford her own, I mean her PA stole millions off her over a few years and she didn't even notice!

"I live in the shadows"

"Like Batman?"

"Like mold"

Me: I exhibit great attention to detail.

Interviewer: Well actually, there's quite an embarrassing typo on your CV, see here.

Me: No, I really did have to learn how to wank again after that accident.

Liverpool didn't really win, its mass illusion created through chemtrails

After Goon Friday comes Eat Her Saturday, Eat Her Bum Day and then Eat Her Mum Day.

Not looking forward to that last one.

The influencers in my head told me to burn those Teslas

FOR SALE: Dead Labrador, black. Just six weeks deceased, kept in deep freeze since, answered to the name Fred, lovely glossy coat, original eyes, unfinished taxidermy project will include solid mahogany plinth with engraved silver plaque. £60, phone after 6pm ask for Pope Gregory XIV.

Zelenskyy should have chinned the orange twat

RIP Michelle Trachtenberg, the curse of girls I wanked off over 20 years ago Strikes again

Still waiting for Trump to pronounce the name of the guy he made FBI deputy #UmBongo

By now you would think I would really know who i am, but I'm a bit worried i might just be a skin suit full of weasels

"Hey Mark, you support Arsenal don't you?"

"No, I said I was a gooner"

ISP: Hi, one person at your work place is accessing huge amounts of porn, maybe you should have a word with them.

Me, head of IT: Sure, I'll do that...

Well now, who else thought all those Bond film plots about crazed billionaires, with their own space rockets and advanced technology research labs, attempting to bring down government were a bit far fetched?

I see Disney are making a live action version of "The Incredibles".

No wait, it's a Fantastic Four film.

#disney #FantasticFour

Canadian = pervert

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