Girlfriend texting me: you need to do the dishes! And pick up the laundry!
Landlord texting me: rent is double this month!
My fog friend texting me: dude you should come into the fog. It’s chill
My cat’s toys fucking suck. None of them look any fun at all. We have very different ideas about how to have a good time.
Got all my conversation topics lined up for my first date tonight.
“Oh boy time to sit down and catch up with all my pals in Westeros!”
GRRM (the hungriest he’s ever been in his life): Tyrion had skewered fowl, juicy and charred to a crisp with roasted garlic, onions, spicy peppers and rubbed with sage, washed down with a flagon of sweet summer wine, with notes of
Welp. I saved up for months to afford a balloon for my party in El Paso and then it's instantly shot down by the U.S. military. Why do I even bother trying to have fun...
The staff keeps telling me they don’t sell any gifts here…
My family and I are having that classic holiday-themed debate: is Die Hard an action movie?
Sometimes you meet someone and you can instantly tell that how I met your mother was a big deal to them at some point
Ending every therapy session with “I swear to god if you tell anyone what I just said….”
Had a dream there was a popular rapper named “The Woke Asthmatic”
I have the gene that makes cilantro taste like soap, but fortunately, I also have the gene that makes soap taste like fresh herbs. So I kind of break even where that’s concerned.
Sometimes I get a spam text that makes me wish my life was different
Well me and this tree have basically nothing in common
I magine being the last 80’s rock star to find out that love is more than just a game. Fucking humiliating.
Asking my barber for “a performative hairstyle that is transparently not my vibe”
My girlfriend’s Instagram ads constantly laser beam her with negative anti-aging and weight loss stuff and mine are just “still thinking about plain white socks? Here are some that are fine.”
Take it from me. If you’re ever in the desert and you see a coyote loading himself into a cannon, just leave it alone. That situation is a mess.
I nearly asphyxiated watching the Mr. Plinkett breakdown of Indiana Jones Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Hey thanks for coming! Help yourself to the fridge. Everything in there labeled "not poisonous" is safe to consume.
Nothing more shameful than returning to an aisle while grocery shopping. You couldn’t close the deal on the first go around? You’ve got NO plan??
You’re so funny dude. My uncle would love you haha. Actually would you mind if I FaceTimed him real quick and you guys could chat?
Sorry – when I said I worked on an oil rig I meant that I do my remote marketing/PR job there. They have good coffee and plenty of working space.
My Mesopotamian buddy keeps texting me in cuneiform and I’m too embarrassed to tell him I can’t read it 🤦♂️
CHOPPED JUDGE: No daikon, no pork loin, you didn't incorporate a single mystery basket ingredient, and let me ask you something, is this Stouffer's brand frozen lasagna?
ME: Yes chef.
CHOPPED JUDGE: Did you bring this from home?
ME: Yes chef.
Think of how powerful it’d be if two NBA teams playing against each other suddenly decided to work together instead. Imagine how efficiently two basketball teams could score on one basket facing no opposition…
Hey you mind watching my stuff while I go to the bathroom? (I gesture to a table that has a completed puzzle on it. The picture is of you, but 40 years older, smiling, with what you assume is your future family. You seem happy. You look up but I am gone. Was I ever even there?)
Now that’s a spread
(George Bailey voice) Now now now wait just a minute here, you got this place all wrong. Your money's not here. Your money's in HAWKCOIN, and and PEPE, and Chill Guy.X and a hundred others
The DNC is dead. Long live the DNC. I wrote about the Democrats' "Tommy Boy problem" back in 2021 and things have only gotten worse since. Give it a read and see if you agree
open.substack.com/pub/poeticfi...