There's a war on for your mind.

theonion.info

incredible to get this glimpse of the kinda shit we could be about on today of all days

just to be clear, everyone, when 8 pm EDT comes and goes, regardless of what does or does not happen, the president still threatened genocide and war crimes and we should still impeach, arrest, and try him

Let's hear the president out and see what he has to say
-CFO of defense contractor who developed The Bridge Destroyer 4000

8 Changes I Would Make to Titanic (1997) 1. I would add eight extra cast members. I don't know what roles they would play but acting is a precarious profession so it would be good to employ more people. 2. Change the name of the film from “Titanic” to “Boat.” This would make it more popular because it would attract interest from fans of all boats, not just fans of the Titanic. 3. Change the name of Jack Dawson's character to Jack “Simon” Dawson and then make the main plot about why his parents chose to give him that middle name (we eventually learn that it's because his deceased grandfather was called Simon). 4. Change the setting to a different ocean. 5. Insert a 45-minute scene in which we see the damage caused to the iceberg because it's important for viewers to understand there were two objects impacted by the collision that night. 6. Fewer deaths (would make it a more upbeat film). 7. The sinking scene goes on too long and doesn't really add anything to the story so I would cut that out. 8. The final scene would see Jack being dramatically rescued from the water by a mystery character on a jet ski, who is revealed to be his grandfather Simon (he faked his own death for unexplained reasons).

Titanic was a pretty successful film but with a few alterations I believe it could have been even bigger. Here are the eight changes I would make:

Me, had a medium-successful Neopets shop when I was 12: As a small business owner,

This tweet is for like 15 people from 2018 twitter

Damn I really needed $25 for advertising Galaxy Lights today

Is anyone else still chasing their childhood dreams? Like is it too late for me to play for the 1998 Chicago Bulls

This is really the perfect use of generative AI: to create a report whose purpose is solely to exist as A Report, which no one is supposed to read because no one involved in its creation even pretends to have the slightest genuine interest in the actual facts at issue.

Scientifically speaking, Miller High Life is one of very few physical fluids that make you want to go back and fight your old gym teacher

It's so funny the gov gave us IDs that aren't good enough. "Hey great job on that driving test here's your ID but be careful it sucks and it doesn't work, congrats though"

I am super allergic to cats and also cats are obsessed with me which I think is some sort of ancient greek mythological curse

I love that like 5000 years ago someone invented beer and was like hey guys this old bread water makes you fucking shred at karaoke

alright everybody stand up for this person to sing a really hard song about the war of 1812 solo a cappella, if they fuck up it will haunt them forever. then we’ll play some baseball

putting live tesla stock updates on the TV and watching it go up and down with the homies like it’s the superbowl

the fact that people are being disappeared in the name of ""preventing antisemitism"" by a christian nationalist administration is making me nauseated and horrified in ways i cant even begin to explain

Notice how whenever they "curb antisemitism" by making an example of people, it's always university protesters who don't say anything regarding Jews or Judaism and it's never grown packs of white men marching the streets with swastikas.

[watching the super bowl two weeks after the Eagles never responded to the letter I sent them about how good I would be on the team]

Me: I would have caught that

I can't tell you how many people told me it was impossible for Joe Biden to remove one guy running the post office

I bet there are so many congress members like "oh man this is going to be great for my next donor solicitation email"

Dem senators are like "this administration is dismantling our democracy. They must be stopped." and then when they're asked to confirm The Duke of Fascism to Secretary of State they're like "oh yeah for sure"

president trump please save digg dot com

I hate that TikTok got banned, my partner keeps making me do all the dances now

They're banning TikTok bc I made a video where I explained that technically a burrito is ravioli

On the bright side, at least it can't get any worse. Hold on, I must take a comically voluminous sip of my beverage.

Putting “guy who asked Adam Driver’s character the question in the middle of a Megalopolis screening” on my resume because nobody can fact check it

When I was 10 the Flintstones vitamin was basically the Limitless pill

Her: his insta explore is probably all girls in bikinis

My insta explore:

Sometimes twitter being overrun by weirdo chumps is actually very funny