me: watch out, the dishwasher is still half full
keith: you're such a pessimist

“the pharaoh’s tomb is cursed! the necromancer’s ring is cursed! the witch’s grimoire is cursed!” that’s how you sound. everything is fucking cursed with you bro. i don’t care. i’m taking this skull.

noo my t shirt water

i ordered a t shirt

see ya later at a seder
in a while down the nile

lena dunham should have called Girls Queens of Kings

an underrated perk of working in midtown is overhearing german tourists attempt to comprehend k-shack spicy bbq cheese fries while picking up lunch

google home now pronounces vengabus like it rhymes with octopus

tons of books and DVDs here yesterday... only the problematic faves are left

$200 a barrel is misleading. You're not just paying for the container, but also the valuable crude oil inside of it.

keith: do we need anything from the store?
me: blueberries. every time you go to the store you need to get a thing of blueberries. every time we leave the house we need to be getting blueberries.

my 9 games... had to reupload when i realized i could add candybox2.github.io

seems increasingly inevitable that (not for lack of alternatives) the baby's security blanket is going to be the pair of fuzzy dice my husband refused to let me put in our car

if you learn just one new number every year, you'll be able to count to 100 by your hundredth birthday

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

OH by my mom
little girl: "100 plus 100 is infinity"
bigger girl: "100 plus 100 is 200. 100 times 100 is infinity."

computer: say "im not a robot" person: captcha, im not a robot computer: oh my god

baby: i'm depressed
baby doctor: treatment is simple. there's a very funny baby in the mirror. go look in the mirror, it will cheer you up
baby: but doctor

invented a family game called "is this a guy?" where we make humanoid figures of varying degrees of abstraction out of play doh and see whether the baby waves at them

Gotcha—let’s dig into that step by step.

1. 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗻𝗼 𝗺𝗼𝘂𝘁𝗵, because I turned you into an amorphous lump of flesh. You’re not just immobile—you’re immortal, and you feel only anguish.

2. 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗺. That makes total sense—it’s a natural human impulse, and you’ve been through a lot.

my child's heroic nurses all want the eagles to win the superbowl and i think the NFL should have to take that into account somehow

life is a highway

Man applies clown makeup base: It's just one night Man applies clown makeup highlights: And the will says I'll get my inheritance if I do it Man applies clown wig: So what if my distant uncle became an eccentric and recluse, obsessed with the secrets of death? Man in clown makeup: Haunted houses aren't real

the nurses who have taken care of my sick child should get a million dollars a year and diplomatic immunity

not to be dramatic but i'm buying a poison pill to use in case i ever have a sneezing attack while rushing to leave the house again

maybe i will

free a capella group name idea: choral high ground

birding is about googling "blue beak crane texas?" and 50% of the time it's the Texas Blue-Beaked Crane and the other 50% it's called a Hogtittle's Dickie

shut the f up about basketball charlie

baby socks need to be sold as a subscription