BREAKING: Bad Bunny to deliver “Alternative State of the Union” address Tuesday entirely in Spanish

Future headline, March 15, 2026: After Melania documentary fails to sweep the Oscars, Trump orders ICE to deport all Na’vi and tells Kristen Welker that US control of Unobtanium is vital for world peace

"Shabby chic" would be a terrible decorating scheme for an airplane

Office-holding Democrats: Stop asking me for donations and DO SOMETHING

“If Ted Cruz leaves the state,
The ice storm will be great.”

- Near-Future Traditional Texas Winter Forecast Saying

Once you see the Tesla logo is an IUD, you’ll never be able to not see it again.

Self-cut some bangs last night and while the results are not great, happy to discover this morning that I had also cut off several inches of fucks in the process

BREAKING: State Department Changes Official Font Again After Learning of the Existence of Sharpie Font

BREAKING: American Airlines has rescheduled the award ceremony for their inaugural peace prize so that the medal can be restamped in gold at the recipient’s request

A good Jeopardy category would be Pirate Jokes. Ken would say for instance, “George Arrrr Arrrr Martin,” and someone would buzz in and ask, “Who is a pirate’s favorite author?”

Can’t help but notice GOP leadership was not raptured

Real talk: How close are we to just declaring people witches?

Everyone remember to fly your false flags at half-mast this week

Successful community depends on taking care of each other. At some point we figured out that as soft, juicy creatures with small teeth, odds of survival were greater working together than when we pushed each other in front of oncoming sabertooths, and we were right. I hope we will not forget this.

NFL team names are way long. From now on, let’s abbreviate them like so:
The Dalboys
The Phigles
The Tampaneers
The LArgers
The Clowns
etc.

Kudos to Count Von Count, teaching young children numbers 1-10 for years while himself having only 8 fingers.

If the rumors are true, the future of MAGA belongs to whomever pulls off the best and fastest Weekend at Bernie’s act.

I opened the fridge and a pineapple tumbled out at me, and I coined my new favorite word on the spot. “PINEAPPLELANCHE!” Now I’m sad at the thought I may never have another valid opportunity to use my new word. It’s been a real rollercoaster over here.

Fall semester 2025: 4 out of every 2 cars on campus is a Waymo. The kids are going to forget how to drive the way they’ve forgotten how to write in cursive or make change

America’s final weather report will be delivered by the last remaining U.S.-trained meteorologist from an undisclosed location paid for by George Clooney, trying desperately to convince anyone still listening that the eclipse is NOT in fact a monster trying to eat the moon.

Wii Sports Tennis, but the racket is a bug zapper, it’s summer, and you’re outside in Texas at dusk. So also kinda like Space Invaders.

Watching Platonic season 1. How much more fun life must be when one has the ability to render realistic dongs in oil paint!

Betcha didn’t know loofahs grow on trees

After the zombie apocalypse, will they even bother having Ren Faires?