If my 9-year old son reported the weather

Gearing up for a busy 2026! Here for all your NYC seller and buyer needs. Check me out at: warren-holstein.bhsagent.com

Grow a pear.

It's raining; it's pouring. The old man is not snoring. He's in a coma and it looks like he may not make it.

The crucifixion of Christ was "epic." Your burrito is just pretty big.

Pride Day, but for insecure Jewish men with domineering mothers. Actually, we probably don't deserve it. Never mind.

"Foiled again!" -Leftovers

i assume when a restaurant says it's "homestyle," I'll be eating my meal over a sink.

Bad news about the alien drones hovering above us. It turns out they are just visiting the planet to contribute 1 million dollars to Donald Trump’s inauguration fund.

The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which. They needed glasses.

My lips are sealed. I accidentally drank the candle again.

I can’t tell if this is a joke.

There is no “I” in ego. That’s kind of weird, right?

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren't invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

Some of my best pens are black.

Super excited for healthcare CEOs to pass on the cost of extra security straight to the consumer.

The way to a man’s heart is through his sternum.

Never bring a knife to a tickle fight.

Holy infant so tender and mild, so succulent and flavorsome, so juicy and melt-in-the-mouth

I’m not saying that Joe Scarborough is completely spineless, but perhaps it would be more appropriate to call Morning Joe, Watery Decaf.(Okay, I am saying he is completely spineless.)

When you wish upon a star, it continues converting hydrogen into helium and ignores you.

What do you call a French frog? A croak monsieur.

Just watched a pot of water boil. You're all full of shit.

If you need to hide your CEO’s bio page for fear of assassination by the masses due to dubious ethical practices, perhaps it’s time to start treating your consumer base with respect, empathy and compassion. Or they could just hole up in the panic room of their bunker and count piles of blood money.

You can have your cake and eat it too. You bought it. It's your cake, dummy.

Time to pay the piper. Don't whine about it, you're the one that hired Jethro Tull to play your wedding.

Haha ever notice how we “drive” on a “parkway” but “god” “has” “abandoned” “us”?

Turn-ons: Light switches. Turn-offs: Light switches.

Whoever said there's nothing to fear but fear itself never met my mother.

Funny folks! go.bsky.app/E63Aj7k