@imkeithdavid.bsky.social Look at the itty bitty Husk that my gaming friend just gave me! #HuskerDust nation, you jealous? 😍

Day 14, or Week 2, of sobriety. Why don’t things feel like they’re getting better? What about the brighter days? Between broken promises, uncertain prospects, & wavering support, I can’t count on anyone except myself, & barely that. Going sober was supposed to Change My Life; any day now, sky daddy.

Confession: I haven’t sat down to watch Hazbin Hotel since my final drink. It’s the last thing I remember before shit went blurry. I think I turned it off mid-episode & never got back to it. I don’t know if I’m ashamed, afraid I’ll be reminded, or what. Can’t stop thinking about the show though.

a man holding a marriage agreement with the words we had a deal ALT: a man holding a marriage agreement with the words we had a deal

DAMN IT.

WE

HAD

A

DEAL!!!!

Day 13 of sobriety and I’m actually in the middle of an appointment 🤣

Two stuffed animals sit side by side on a white ceramic dining table. The stuffed animal on the left is a medium sized beige hamster from Build-A-Bear, and on the right is a purple teddy bear with shaggy fur who is the same size as the hamster.

Meet my new friends. The hamster is a Build-A-Bear, the bear is a Russ. I’m a simp & already named the bear Christian Bearle.

Yes, I know, they said no more ever again, but the lady cut me a heck of a deal on them. And anyway, Christian had been there for at least 6 months that I saw.

I could be watching Spirited Away right now. Any day, any week, any month, I could watch it. I own the original DVD, AND it’s on HBO Max. But I never put it on. I wait until it comes back to theaters once a year, & I watch it then. It’s my favorite movie ever; you’d think I’d watch it more often. 😅

I do miss theater. I want to be in a play again. Haven’t heard much from the director of the troupe for at least a couple of months… maybe I should start looking elsewhere for audition opportunities.

Day 12 of sobriety. Things might be looking up? I can’t believe it’s only been 12 days… it’s starting to feel like I don’t have much to talk about, outside of sobriety. I used to think I should ONLY talk about my sobriety, but that feels a little isolating. Anyway, maybe my life is turning around.

Day 11 of sobriety. Things need to look up. Not making sales; worried whether I’m going to get a job in voice acting; not enough money to go see my favorite voice actor this year; & saving up for a doll I’m never going to get. Partner says my life is blessed & quit crying but he’s missing the point.

I posted plushies for sale with the notice “MUST SELL TODAY” at the top. Nobody is biting. I’m bad at sales, nobody wants my stuff, I chose a bad time of day, or SOMETHING. Either way, morale is low. I literally can’t afford to keep posting nothing-burgers that nobody wants. What’s the gimmick? 🤷

Day 10 of sobriety. I feel silly. Did I HAVE to go TOTALLY sober? Or am I being extreme?

Day 9 of sobriety, back home in Tennessee since midnight.

Day 8 of sobriety and we’re going back home from the grandparents’ house today!

Day 7, or Week 1, of sobriety!

We are here at my grandparents’ house. I’m having a hard time accepting that they are 92 and 90 years old. Please, I’m not ready.

Day 6 of sobriety, and on our way to visit the grandparents in Florida!

So I slipped a couple hours ago but not how you think. I saw an adorable, larger stuffed bunny right in the front at CVS & immediately grabbed it for cuddles. It’s $14 right now but when we get back from our trip we’re going to go check it again & see if it went down in price. I’ll never learn. 😅

Day 5 of sobriety.

Now that I’m on forced moratorium from buying any more stuffed animals ever again, I feel incredibly guilty just looking at all the stuffed animal pages I follow on FB. It’s a hard lesson: seasons come & go & nothing lasts forever. What once I loved I now can’t view without shame.

Day 4 of sobriety.

Woke up at 7:00 AM on the dot. Started crying at 9:00. I don’t think anyone realizes how deep this hurt goes. I miss my life. Not the drinking, never the drinking. Just the rest of what’s been banned. I don’t want to survive each day asking permission for every little thing.

I wonder how much of what I’ve “learned” is me parroting others’ decisions & demands. I’m explaining myself to a friend & it sounds like I’m regurgitating back what I’ve had hammered into my brain. I don’t sound like I think or talk for myself. But if I want to get better, I have to see their way.

I just realized something.

And I’m angry.

As of today, every aspect of my life is being controlled. What I buy, what I think, what I feel, what I like, what I want, what I do…

And I’m letting them do it. I don’t know how not to let them do it.

That makes me angry.

I can’t remember names of actors I’ve been keeping track of for years. I can’t remember characters from toy franchises. Not that I need that anymore anyway. Something is misfiring. I’m worried that I’m hurt in my brain. I don’t understand what is happening. I’m well except for mood & memory.

Great.

I was just warned that I’m at risk for having a seizure because it’s this early in my sobriety.

Today is done in my eyes. I’m going to bed.

Wake me up Tuesday when it’s time to go on the Florida trip that we supposedly can’t afford.

I didn’t decide any of this for myself. I am being systematically talked out of feeling any little joy or satisfaction. None of how I’m acting or feeling is ME. None of what I’m “choosing” is ME. I just need to get through the next week or so, and then I’ll probably have a breakdown over this. Help.

I don’t have any goals left. Can’t afford voice acting lessons so that’s done, no point system for sobriety, made to cut off buying plush & other fun things & sell favorite possessions to make ends meet, no cons, no autographs, just supposed to wake up each day & not fuss about what I don’t have.

Seems others enjoy crushing my goals so quickly. But when they explain why, they’re RIGHT. Then I suddenly don’t want what I wanted anymore, so I guess they get what THEY wanted. Every time. I don’t give a fuck anyway. Sobriety should be the ONLY thing I think about for now. I don’t need THINGS.