the TJ in TJ Maxx stands for totally jacked

shifting from sporadic poster to one that says good night every night

pet cat: parts of me are still very wild. you do not know my thoughts

pets dog: you know all of my thoughts and I'm very comfortable here

some places have a chocolate cross for people who don't eat chocolate animals or eggs

for this snowstorm, I will attempt to eat an entire food pyramid

we can't go to places like chernobyl or fukushima anymore because we made them like the sun

turns out, you don't have to throw your back out to use a heating pad. you can just sit or lay on it. it's fucking awesome

the people who 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 want to win the nobel peace prize go for the jugular right away

if you're 47 no one gives a fuck. get a real age. like 42 or 56

we haven't forgotten about you scientology. as soon as we fix all this other stuff we're comin for you

I made the 30 under 30 list (30 people who have less than $30)

it's Shah-day.

-Sade a lot probably

Mary Shelley's Guillermo del Toro

I hope I don't get hit by a self-aware car

why do my parents drive on a parkway but fuck in the driveway

they will probably bring back powdered wigs

trump is not the third antichrist nostradamus was talking about. that was a few antichrists ago. he is a new type of antichrist that nostradamus didn't know about

a fart is an opportunity to go for distance or impact. for distance, ease up on the throttle for nice, uniform deflation. for impact, give a push at the right time for a firm blast. just don't rip too hard and remember to have fun

"KISS" was a 50-year science experiment to see if two guys in a rock band could keep the most popular guy from getting all the attention (they couldn't)

grimes is so lucky. in olden times when you spawned with the devil they made you wear a dress with a big "A" on it (asshole)

Songs don't say stuff like "Do wah ditty ditty dum ditty do" anymore. No one's in the mood for that shit

the people who 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 want to win the nobel peace prize go for the jugular right away

A photo of me standing right in front of an Aa lava flow much taller than me. Much of the leading edge of the flow is solidified, but the interior is still molten and incandescent and it slowly advances toward me. I am facing it with my hand out, telling it to stop. It did not work (I was just testing the heat. From here, it felt nearly unbearable - like your face does as you reach into your oven to pull food out).

Me telling the lava to stop. 🤚

(explaining to a kid) in thrash metal the evil comes from the sky but in black metal the evil comes from the ground

Phylum of the Planet of the Apes

*throws sub*
*waits for crowd to disperse*
*goes back to eat it because it's actually still fine*

You never know what Trump's going to do up there, he might try to buy Alaska

hoping night terrors take some of the heat off daytime

me:
AI: anna anna bo banna banana fanna fo fanna