You should speak to your manager about that

NO PRINCES BUT THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE

I love how websites ask you to accept cookies and say “we value your privacy!” It essentially means they’ll sell my privacy to the highest bidder because my privacy is way too valuable to keep to themselves.

I used to work with a guy who would respond to any minor personal information you shared by repeating it and saying it explained a lot.

“Oh, you like cheese? That explains a lot…”

It made you self conscious and felt so condescending. Total respect for his comedic craft though. 5 stars.

You kids think you’re doing it tough? Back in my day, we didn’t have modern luxuries like the Jump to Recipe button.

I resent the fact that being a millennial makes it sound like I’m a thousand years old

The condensation on my iced coffee cup is determined to make it look I had an accident on the bus

I’m so done with laundry. I want biodegradable clothing. I want to wear a shirt today and then toss it in the garden after work. Pop some seeds in the shirts to add a little speckle and I’ll reforest the whole country by myself.

I’d like to think that at one point in history an unprepared inventor was asked what they’d named their product and their response was “Um… Brella?”

TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DOUBTED ME WHEN I WAS A KID: you called it, congrats

He knew we'd buy anything if we could have it tomorrow

Jeff Bezos is filthy rich because he understood that I need a 24 pack of socks and a pickle slicer and I need them ASAP

I don't want it if the street taco's not made with 100% real street

Hindsight is 20/20 but that was 5 years ago bro

We’ve tried letting humans run the world and look how that’s gone for us. It’s time to put the raccoons in charge.

Take me back to simpler times like when Usher said “Yeah” and did a lil dance and everyone agreed “Yeah!”

Ducks are not impressed when you put two Pringles in your mouth and pretend you're one of them FYI.

Guys, I've been working on my Benedict Cumberbatch impression! Listen:

BENDICAT CRUMBLEBOTCH: Hi

Ugh no, that still needs work.

"I have zero regrets" cool cool I have at least 37 from just this morning alone. We are not the same.

Going to start telling people that I have a podcast just to feel alive

Can’t say I had “almost getting hit by a guy on a unicycle” on my 2025 bingo card, but I can check it off now anyways

If everyone could stop asking me to leave a review for every single thing ever for the rest of time that would be pretty cool. Just saying.

How dare clothing stores update their styles regularly when I just want to repurchase the same exact sweater I bought seven years ago

My superpower is overthinking everything for as long as possible and still somehow proceeding to make the worst decision you could possibly imagine

Sounds horrible

Bought $70 worth of fruit and vegetables and now I can’t wait to order pizza

Goats are maaaaad
And sheep are baaaad
And wolves just don’t care for your shenanigans Timothy

Them: You’ve got rizz!

Me: Yeah I do!

*pulls a handful of risotto out of my pocket*

Every time I use aloe, I have to say “aloe, aloe, aloe” in a British accent

What stage of life is it when you start making your own pickles? Asking for a friend…