normalize dropping to your knees and sobbing when people won’t stop talking

you're eating the peel for extra fiber, i'm eating the candy wrapper bc i have given up, we are not so different you and i

I need to tan this summer Phil

“euthanasia for one, please” -me, at the doctor’s office

at least your hands around my throat gets rid of two of my chins how do I look

I want peace but I also want to fuck shit up

A grey blue washed image of a bearded young ish white guy looking into the mirror all serious with his palm pressed against it. A serif font title reads: DID I JUST ARGUE WITH A JOKE? A semi opaque navy snoot near the bottom bears the bluesky logo and the text PART OF A BLUESKY EDUCATIONAL SERIES

Giving birth to a Chris baby with teeth- they pressure wash my insides with a tiny but adorable pressure washer. Like a tooth whitening commercial, sorta. Wow my organs are shining! Once they've gnawed their way out, they live the lifespan of a luna moth. We free them. We think they're cute. Twins

I guess if babies were born with teeth there is a chance those mean fuckers would eat themselves right out of there, huh?

Animals that can climb steep mountainsides are lowkey goated

all hail queen kim

They’re laying golden eggs from the pussy on bluesky dot com

butt

Becoming a shareholder so I have value

Alex the cat fast asleep on me

he always does this. now i'm going to have to explain what happened in the movie while he was asleep

Double penetration and a blowjob that’s how you take a human screenshot

speak softly and carry a big stick of butter

turns out saying “my neural pathways have become accustomed to your sensory inputs” does not get you laid

That’s how you take a screenshot

I might be too autistic to understand yearning like what do you mean you don't just do something about it?

Sabrina the Middle Aged Witch

I thought the golden egg was a one time thing. I was wrong. I’ve laid an alarming amount of eggs in the last 3 days. I’m back with a bucket of them if you even care

the noise cats make when they see birds is the noise i make when i see a cup of coffee

turtles have shells so they have somewhere to hide when a contractor is at their house doing work

if I knew hot people could still feel depressed and unloved I would have chosen to be smart instead

Proudly showing off all the food stains on my clothes as evidence of a varied diet

bestie: where are you getting your colonoscopy done?

me: in my butthole

based on this statistical model i made after licking 47 of them there are no daddies made of sugar

if you don't feel funny, go watch a bug for a little while and think about how you act

I like cats because they express affection by being adjacent