Who wore it better?

Today has been long and difficult so I need to decompress by watching shows about murder.

Every family with two children has one who loves pickles and one who absolutely abhors pickles, right?

Okay, sure, not all men.

But 62 MILLION OF THEM subscribed to a website to learn how to assault women so probably all men until individually proven otherwise.

I cannot tell you how much my soul needed a mid-credits karaoke scene.

The restaurant messed up husband’s salmon twice. He said “no big.” and ordered something else. The waitress was sweet and thanked us for being cool about it. I said, “there are way bigger things to worry about in the world.” My 9-year-old looks at her and says “We have bigger FISH to fry.”

😂😂😂

No, that’s my emotional support impending send of doom. I need that.

No, those are my emotional support domain names for projects I might do someday. I need those.

Here’s what’s actually (additionally?) terrifying about this aside from everything.

The apostrophe after fuckin’. He didn’t write that. He doesn’t know that that’s the right way to shorten that word. That means that someone is writing this insane shit for him.

Listen, I am exceptionally Jewish and could be wrong, but I am like 99 percent certain that this is the Easter Bunny’s ride.

So maybe carrying water for the patriarchy was a bad career move?

Were the adults, guys.

This cannot be correct.

My Catholic mother-in-law stopped at a Jewish deli to bring me whitefish salad on Good Friday.

Happy Passover.

We have spent so much movie money rescuing Matt Damon from things.

Can anthropomorphized mushrooms breathe in space?

Actual question that I just asked.

It’s April. Sunburned Satan is a fool. Carry on.

There was more gibberish. You missed the extra garnish gibberish.

Show me a better lapdog.

I’ll wait.

UPDATE: HE GOT IT WORKING. They’re on their way home.

Update update update: He’s all up under that hood with the phone as a flashlight because shit ain’t workin’. This is his favorite situation to be in when it isn’t raining.

We took the kids to do a paint pottery thing. It took forever and I was so annoyed that we left so late because I have hours of work in front of me.

It took that long for a reason, and I am an asshole.

Update update: he is waving his hands demonstrably. This means he is explaining something about why the car won’t jump. He is pointing to a place and trying to figure out how to get her to that place.

After 18 years, I know all of the gestures.

Update: they’re now trying to jump it off of a third person’s car.

Sitting in the car with my kids in the rain.

Husband is working with a stranger to push another stranger’s stalled car. She was by herself with her kid and was trying to push it herself.

He just saw it, handed me the car key and went over.

I am grateful every day that I married that guy.

I’m about to start demanding all payments in cash and investing in a lifetime supply of black sharpies.

It probably matters that the people who believe in an anti-immigrant, fetal personhood, let the poor starve version of Jesus also think his book was originally written in English.

Remember when John McCain shut down a woman at a town hall for saying she didn’t trust Obama because he was a Muslim?

Pepperidge Farms remembers.

Bowling with the kids and my pin percentage has gone up drastically since I realized who my orange ball looks like.

Didn’t say they were going to happen. I remember saying that I would like for someone with any power to do them. You’re also arguing that I don’t know what I’m talking about when what I said is absolutely correct. You want to derail to a different fight & call me stupid for not playing along.

My husband bowls consistent strikes by palming the ball and not using the finger holes and can someone please confirm if this is serial killer behavior?