Life was better when I was the weird old bat with an obsessive and parochial hatred of some rich former countryman instead of being Cassandra muttering "Fucking told you so!" through gritted teeth.
I could never be cool nowadays...
Mostly because I say the word nowadays.
When I said I liked it rough I didn't mean my entire life.
never have I ever regretted staying home
what makes us kink (casual chats among friends)
makes no difference to me, I just rawdog it anyway
which is better, twitter or bluesky
to sperm, the microplastics are little disco balls
A golden retriever has both paws up at a bank teller’s window.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
eat well
love passionately
fuck aggressively
be gentle
work hard
rest unapologetically
fuck nudes, show me what you’re listening to.
imaginary friends who spend a lot of time thinking about chokefucking
you are your fantasies.
Alexa, invade Luxembourg.
Marionette of Robert Plant
Marionette of Robert Plant
Robert Plant sitting down
Robert Plant on stage
I was digging in my basement and found a marionette I made of Robert Plant around 2000-2001 for a high school art project.
I poured a Whole Lotta Love into it.
oh i didn't even see you there
I just did
jokes on your i was already doing this
Alexa, hold me and lie to me that everything is going to be ok.
At my funeral there’ll be a 37 minute montage of me trying to find something to watch on Netflix
Might just fuck around and acknowledge that the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.
Foolishly summoning my familiar and asking my barbarian friend to launch it at a building that we want to find out about just to have him obliterate it.
Guess we'll go up to the building and do a good old-fashioned perception check then.
Don’t ask me to make eye contact during sex then call the cops on me just bc I’m outside the window
Alexa, I want to know what love is, I want you to show me.
At my age when I say I want my guts rearranged it means I'm gonna chase a bran muffin with a probiotic protein shake