The hardest thing about being Bill O'Reilly is most people think his name is "Teenage Wasteland."

Incredible that Alex Jones is still alive. He’s looked like a guy from Ren & Stimpy who’s in the middle of a major heart attack for 20 years.

"You there boy, what day is it?"
"Why, it's 4/20 sir!"
"Good! I haven't missed it. Here lad, fetch me a box of Kiva bars, all THC no CBD, some pineapple habanero gummies and season 2 of Space Ghost Coast to Coast!"

Do you guys know what cars can do

The crew of white-aproned characters from the Progressive commercials broke through my screen door and they’re holding my family hostage.

Gently nodding along to Black Hole Sun at the bar. The gentleman’s headbang.

🙏

Yes I repost this every time I get a haircut. Just one of my annoying fuckin “things” you have to deal with as a follower of me

Wild it’s got a QR code in the lower right

Looks like the king in this game is having a rough time being crushed by jewels. Couldn't be me.

"But she told me she wouldn't date guys with weird names!" - Moby

I love getting targeted ads that don't apply to me even though I'm a straight dude. "FanDuel losses over $40K? Call our lawfirm." Ah, a wash of relief. There but for the grace of God go I.

Bluesky is dying. Oceans are now battlefields.

One of the first times I tried "cooking" in college I just put unseasoned ground beef in a pan with some chopped up green peppers and ate it from a bowl. It was not good. My roommate, whose parents had an Indian restaurant, saw me eating it and mocked me mercilessly. That's what these guys need.

Allbirds are now AI. Oceans are now battlefields.

*Nada Surf voice*
I'm head of the class
Clavicular
I'm a quarterback
Clavicular

Peanuts panel, Lucy holds a piece of paper next to Snoopy with his typewriter. She says “that’s the dumbest thing ever written!”

Snoopy smiling “another first!”

My approach to posting.

Don’t tell me I have no choice but to adapt to using AI. You don’t know how stubborn I am. My dad is 80 and has never had an email address. That’s the blood in my veins.

Let’s face it: shit fuckin’ sucks.

Seeing a lot of dudes in fleece vests, long sleeve shirts and shorts around the neighborhood today. Colorado vibes.

Someone asked if this is a real quote from DoorDash Grandma, and of course it is. I wouldn’t lie to you and I would certainly never misquote DDG.

Two things can be true at the same time.

"I love being a DoorDash Grandma. I love Donald Trump, I bring him McDonald's. I use my own car. I never want to retire. I'm glad Donald Trump is making sure Grandmas like me will have to DoorDash forever. I'm DoorDash Grandma!" - DoorDash Grandma

Great cover story. "I didn't post myself as Jesus, I'm just so goo-brained I can't tell the difference between a Red Cross doctor and Jesus in heaven."

If the Pope is weak on crime that means God is weak on crime. I'm stealing a Zagnut.

Take a moment to remember how weird it is our president communicates with us through a bottom-tier social media site called Truth Social. It’s like if he governed from the comment section of a porn site.

Still, gotta respect JD Vance for getting up every day and showing the world all the things he can’t do.

An update on peace talks from vice president JD Vance: “Help, I’m stuck in a fridge again!”

the artemis ii pics of the moon and perfect splashdown reminded me what actual science looks like – instead of, say, an ai program named clifford that can write christmas cards for me.

If we can’t find a good candidate for governor in California we should return to the rule of succession. Give the job to Schwarzenegger’s pet donkey.