imagine moving to a sleepy little seaside town only to find out there are no daily murders

Scuba the cat wearing an absolutely WTF expression

[team meeting]

boss: ok, let's roundtable your ideas on leveraging AI to optimize our synergy in the global marketplace

me:

Someone in a toilet costume running down the street.

goddamnit the toilet’s running again

ME: ships can’t go thru the strait because they might hit a water grenade

WIFE: mine

ME: no iran’s

explaining to someone that peanut butter doesn't contain any dairy

The bull doesn’t know he’s a bull, and he doesn’t know he’s in a china shop. This is definitely not me trying to use metaphor to understand/explain why I’m bad at social interactions sometimes

it's how we know earth isn't flat, too

the fact that there is a protest outside of an ice facility today entitled operation dildo blitz is one reason i refuse to give up on this country

I’d like to officially announce that the scale and I are no longer on speaking terms.
She knows what she did.

what the world needs now is to watch the astronauts eat spaghetti

Sure the Artemis landing involved a lot of science, drama, and precision but, in a way, the whole thing was really down to Earth.

The drycleaners bill for $34.56 reminded me of why 10 fears 7.

can someone remind me which astronaut was matt damon and which was matthew mcconaughey

The astronauts' eyes are glowing now and they're speaking in unison I'm sure it's fine

fizzling out in time for the three’s company reboot

folks just ain’t burpin the alphabet like they used to

I’m researching brilliant things people do to manage their adhd and I’m thrilled to take notes just to immediately forget to implement them

when i woke up this morning, my bestie said “your cast iron had dried food in it so I’m soaking it in hot water and I’m gonna go buy some Brillo pads later”

so long story short, I’m having bourbon for breakfast and seasoning my cast iron and no one needs to post my bail. yet.

I never forget a face.

I mean, if it belongs to a dog.

Not to sound pretentious but Pinot Grigio pairs well with lucky charms

*begging a firefighter to go back into my burning house and rescue my sourdough starter*

Might just sit here thinking about going out to enjoy the gorgeous spring weather until it's dark outside

Esp not a fan of Roman baths

I hope they kept my space how I left it

maybe dogs don't like baths bc they're Spot clean only

If a plant don't gurgle I don't want it

two bunches of asparagus, with some peeled potatoes in the background

movie recaps have accelerated The Decline

Also, maybe a dingo ate your baby.

Ergo Mariah Carey is a dingo

Mariah Carey "I don't know her" meme but I changed "her" to "any baby"