Only candy I'll eat are the nerds from nerds gummy clusters. Won't touch the gummy center. I need someone to pick off all the nerds for me and collect them in a little bowl. No, you can't just buy regular nerds that weren't ever stuck to a gummy. I'll know.
I don't know what to do with myself when a meal is both delicious and affordable. I didn't think that was an option anymore.
I think a crude facsimile can be nice sometimes. You all just don't know how to appreciate things.
If I ever get myself some laurels you better believe I'm resting on them, and hard. Good luck getting me up from these suckers. I've earned this!
These are gender-affirming Richard Scarry Busytown tattoos.
It really do be a marshmallow word in the winter.
Big ups to “out the corner of your eye.” One of the all-time top places to think you see a spider.
I love minding my own business. I excel at it.
Children are a different case, but surely Santa can afford adults a little pouting now and again. I think we've earned that much.
Good to discover I'm not the only person googling whale dimensions because of this song, lol.
It's fun to imagine otherwise, but realistically I don't think I would get along with most apes. A chimpanzee and I would not be on good terms.
Pearls before swine: that'll do fine.
Swine before pearls: not so fast, girls.
Interestingly "dollop" seems to be exclusively used for white sauces/toppings/ingredients.
youtu.be/R7SW5aOX2_I?si
Thinking of becoming one of those benignly catty gay men who call people by the long version of their first names. Could be fun for a bit.
I recognize that I'm the annoying one when I correct someone who calls the comic strip “Charlie Brown” instead of “Peanuts.” They're in the right. Nobody cares that it's named Peanuts. It shouldn't be named that!
Memento mori? You think I'm not already up mement-ing my own mori all day and night? That I need a little oil painting of an hour glass and a skull just in case? The world is on fire. I'll mind my mori on my own time.
I typically feel guilty enough that I do acknowledge I'm doing this—which I think might be even more embarrassing. A show of good moral character, but lack of conviction.
The beginning of a new relationship where I'm really banking on the other person not having access to any of the social media I'm freely recycling my own jokes from as though they just came to me in the moment.
Forty-one doesn't feel particularly old to me. But I have caught myself genuinely expressing aloud thoughts like “they should make driving at night easier!” So, I don't know. I could probably use some outside perspective on this.
Bizarre photograph of a long necked gazelle standing perfectly upright on its hind legs with its front legs held at a seemingly impossible angle.
Virtually the same photo but now the gazelle has turned and is looking directly at you.
Oh!! I...uhh, sorry! I didn't know anyone was in here.
I'm not allowed to call when the top of the can I'm drinking from smells a little weird "a life-ruining experience" anymore.
Free Use E.T.
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My only complaint will be there's no possible way he suffered enough during it.
Champaign for my real friends. My sham friends? Well, let's just say my sham friends are going to get *quite* the surprise when they discover the nature of their reward…
Dog Eggs
There's nothing wrong with referring to masturbation as "doing your business" with the same uninspired regularity as a dog being let outside to pee. I've heard a lot of cool people do exactly this, in fact.
Venetian gondola boat powered by a gondolier in a striped shirt with a long rowing oar.
Red gondola lift suspended from cables.
I'm sorry, but these can't both be called gondolas. Someone should have sorted this out by now.
Hair havers don't know the big bald secret that the crown of your head is the smoothest, most youthful looking part of you. All your body's skin hangs down from it like a towel draped over a birdcage.