Buying gift memberships for all the Stop Cop City folks.

I wish I were a butterface because then at least my clothes would fit.

It's top-loading.

What if you made the whole green layer thicker?

my voice always pitches really high when I ask if I'm being detained.

Griddle rings

I replied, "No problemo," at work a few days ago and I really think I pulled it off.

they're sending me to federal prison to "level out the vibe" in there

The Eternal Question of Harold and Maude

[a loud action sequence gets suddenly quiet and all you can hear in the theatre is me talking to the guy next to me] sell me your popcorn

Not even the effect or the outcome but even just position, speed, tradeoffs. I hate that The Office taught more people proper chest compressions than any other media. Americans could put themselves in a decent Wagner shooting stance with a pistol but not basic first aid. Gah, now I'm all worked up.

Movies should be penalized for portraying CPR performed improperly

Spending the fourth like I do every year: burglarizing closed municipal offices.