Classic dead cat policy.
Absolute extinguished feline.

*optimistically prepares space suit

I’m sorry Janine, but we’re measuring ability in Followers these days and I can’t event *find* you on TikTok. 🤪

My friend Paul McCaffrey has a brilliant routine about cruises going from Southampton to Southampton.
Tonight I did a live reenactment in which I spent three hours going from Hertford to Hertford and missed all my gigs and getting paid.

Great Northern Rail REALLY F*****G AREN’T, are they?
😡😡😡

So…they’re going to teach them that Brexit was bad for the economy and all the stuff the Leavers promised didn’t happen and all the promises they made beforehand were lies and most of them ran away as soon as they realised they’d won?

I mean, absolutely insidious stuff, clearly…

Matt Goodwin posting on twitter having a go at Waterstones saying… “Hey @Waterstones. Where's Suicide of a Nation? Weird how the No.1 paperback in Britain never happens to be on display…” Not realising he’s standing in front of hardback books.

As an author who also happens to have a book in @waterstones.bsky.social, I at least know the difference between paperback and hardback books, which he’s standing in front of…

It was a Chardonnay. Appalling.

A lot of the pesticides Starbucks use in their ‘fruit-based’ beverages are transported through the Straits. True story.

My job is very silly. Just walked into a theatre dressing room containing nothing but an empty bottle of wine only for a member of staff to come in and say I was in the wrong one and Ian Botham had just left.

I know right. Alexandra Burke would be *livid*.

Ah, but as you have taken the pith, I think it works rather well.

And Donald should know.

I know I have a filthy mind, but this looks worryingly like Jesus is giving Dr Donald a bit of a…helping hand here.

6 year old to my wife:
“Have you and daddy done a parenting course?”
“We’ve done two actually.”
6 yr old: “Daddy needs to do more”.

🫩

Hey Your Holiness. Not been a big fan of the Catholic Church for quite some time, but very much Team Leo at the moment.

6 year old to my wife:
“Have you and daddy done a parenting course?”
“We’ve done two actually.”
6 yr old: “Daddy needs to do more”.

🫩

I know I have a filthy mind, but this looks worryingly like Jesus is giving Dr Donald a bit of a…helping hand here.

Trump is conducting international diplomacy like he ran his businesses for the last fifty years. It’s like getting Josef Fritzl to build your extension and acting surprised when it doesn’t turn out how you wanted.

He’s screwing the whole world. First, we take Manhattan. Then we take Iran.

Massively painful tooth taken out this morning. Left a void in my jawbone like the one in Trump’s chest where his heart should be.
Maybe I should get my dentist to show him how to organise an efficient extraction. 🦷😩

Rush to see this guy. When his mouth is working, he's SOO good.

Ah bless you mate. Touch and go for how good I’ll be tonight if the empty space where my molar used to be keeps on feeling like this. 😩

Alistair Barrie: Gobbledygook Tickets | £7 | 16 Apr @ Camden Comedy Club, London | DICE Gobbledygook: language that is meaningless or is made unintelligible by excessive use of technical terms. See also: Alistair's mother's word for his childre...

I’m at Camden Comedy Club tonight at 6:15 with the new show. Ticket sakes are a bit slow, I’ve had an emergency dental procedure this morning and I am in bloody agony. So an audience to complain to would help! dice.fm/event/v3ylbv...

So difficult to identify Mark Francois’ tragic flaw.

The Second Trump Presidency now very much resembling someone returning to an abusive relationship after promises that he's changed except without any promises that he's changed.

Sadly it’s already the most popular news website in the country. That ship has sailed. I take your point, but I don’t have a problem drilling occasional holes in the hull.

Devastated.

I mean, worth it just for the LOLS. Can’t WAIT to see how AI Tangerine Jesus responds to *this*. 🤣

All going ticketty-boo over at the Mail I see:

Voted. We love to see it. 😊

The best thing Labour can do is introduce PR. That would all but assure them a role in UK government long into the future.

And that in turn would finally bring a desperately needed element of long-termism to our woefully short-termist political system.

So what you’re saying is the US holds all the cards, yes…?