I never feel compelled to talk, I have to say.

My obsession with removing splinters is getting a little bit out of hand.

I've just bought a packet of twenty Camel lights… so I can go out on my camel after dark.

Fact: An Owl's head can rotate up to 823°, before it comes off in your hand.

I picked up the phone.

A voice said "Dance, dance, dance… dance to the radio!".

It was just a Curtissy call.

I wish I wasn't so useless at self-depreciation.

I tell people my job as a stripper is a ‘career’, but it’s only just taking off.

Tip: Save money on mirrors by being a twin.

Don't worry, it's not the end of the world (it's llamageddon).

All of the murder victims were found posed like Dalí paintings.

Police say it looks like the work of a surreal killer.

I'm not alarmist but I hate llamas and I think they should all go home.

True dat.

Twelvety-one plus threeteen equals eleventy-seven.

I'll be honest, I’m not a real maths teacher - I’m just here to make up the numbers.

Doctor: So you say you've got a stiff back?

Morgue Attendant: "Yeah, we released it to the wrong family apparently".

"Doing anything nice tonight?"
"Not much. Might crack open a cold one."
"Oh, having a beer?"
"No, carrying out an autopsy."

Like Bobby Charlton's was.

Vegans believe butchers are gross, but the guy who sells fruits and vegetables is grocer.

Fact: Peking Duck was invented by soldiers in the First World War trenches, and named after their two main activities.

Cash Converters: Turning televisions into heroin since 1988.

Ha! He's a funny chap.

It never rains but it.................................................................................................................................................pause...

“Doctor, Doctor, I keep having nightmares about people stealing my lentils"

"I'll just take your pulse".

I'm rewriting hystori.

Weather summary: no longer summery.

When Clark Kent and Lois Lane broke up, she got the kids, but Clark can still see them with supervision.

Blow-up sex dolls now cost four times* as much as they did in 2013.

*Allowing for inflation.

* * Sings * * 🎶

If you’re German and you know it clap, you’re Hans.

I just tried origami with some ham.

Made a right pig's ear of it.

I'll see your suspicious behaviour and raise you an eyebrow.

Not only do I have to wake her up before I go-go, I have to take her dancing at Club Tropicana tonight.

Talk about a double-whammy.