Making my ringtone the ghostbusters siren then ghosting everyone

Also this just in but you actually can eat cake you have.

Bringing a beer to therapy

I’ll bet the ageist mainstream media is going to say this new ailment disqualifies him smh

There’s one at every work place. Ergo, if that person is me…I never have to deal with it.

What are the chances they try to draft someone who doesn’t exist

Exhibit ZZZ for why he should be impeached

Imagine finding a respawning cache of copper.

I forgot that mentioning a gathering is birthday related activated my kids like sleeper cells and now my oldest is in tears because she can’t get the bubble letters just right for my brother’s girlfriend’s card.

Logging on to find out what insane thing I’ve got to go to bat for today.

Throwing the Molotovs though is just fun vandalism

The possibilities are endless, from penises to dicks

Mayor McCheese is soft on crime

Witness 2: Blood Raising

I’m always saying this

Tabby kitten peeking from behind a desk with text above. Transcribed Text: can't have 3rd dinner can't eat plastic can't eat my humans toes can't meow at 3am can't do anything

Sunday

In Baltimore we’re busy waiting for our part

I wonder if maybe we could hold some kind of poll every two years to see how much Americans like the people representing them in Congress, then the winners get to attend instead of those jerks we have now

When Preston Brooks beat Charles Sumner with a cane, his constituents sent him canes.

People hate Congress but weirdly…like their reps.

Gastonmaxxing

Going to need trials

Eventually all galaxies outside of our own (and a few close to us) will red shift so much as to be nearly invisible, and the universe will look very small.

Fellas find yourself a lady who

Here's the HD version

Marisa Tomei in My Cousin Vinny

With the ultra hand it probably feels like someone else is doin’ it so yeah

NASA actually fixed it so the astronauts had nowhere else to go. Even if all of the systems failed on the ship gravity would keep them on course and they would splash down.

Pretty nefarious if you ask me.

I do believe we’re naked

It’s a Unix system!