My parents’ friends took their dog to a chiropractor and he gave the dog a purple nurple and a wedgie

I bet that having a tail and it being pulled would feel really good on the spine, but I had a cat and he implied it does not feel good, so I won’t be entertaining this thought experiment any further

Having extreme back pain and I have a feeling that hanging upside down by my ankles with my head in the toilet would fix it

Now I’m eating celery in bed. Life is beautiful!

Just fasted for 24 hours and then ate a burrito and then drank 3 beers and smoked 3 menthol cigarettes for no reason just trying out new stuff it’s called living and growing

It’s just 20 of his 21 elf dicks

Jaw harp

Went to the mall for some essentials

What is a couch if not a huge ass you can share with a friend?

Foam dome beer helmet

Compressed air can

I am going to build my own sleep apnea machine

Dentists hate this one big trick

Great my dentist is mad at me just like I always assumed

What if your family don’t like water? They like… sewage?

Cup of green

Getting cuked

We want to see that down under shit and piss

Mark’s woke war horse

That’s why they shortened it to Marks (plural)

Thinking about buying suspenders at marks work wear house or marks workwear house or marks work warehouse

The early bird drills holes in wood

I need to drill holes in wood but I worry about my upstairs neighbor. I can’t drill holes in wood at lunch in case she’s working. I can’t drill holes in wood at night in case she’s sleeping. I want to be a good neighbor who drills holes in wood

I went to art school but I refuse to ever sell out or sell art or make art or enjoy my own creativity. It’s called having principles

I went into a lengthy rant about Crispix cereal at work and it was well received by HR

No it’s just a regular bath mat

I’ll tell you to stop when you get too hot

Bought a new iron and a new vacuum so if anyone needs me I’ll be steaming and sucking. I also bought a new bath mat

I told him if the horses would just quit smoking this never would have happened

My dad’s barn burnt to the ground and I don’t have the heart to tell him that sounds really cool I wish I was there