Sick day. My nurse is asleep on the job. #cats

[willem dafoe unprompted] now, this cookie monster. [toothy smile] what a creature, what a lust. it consumes him. [crosses legs] he’s really a tragic figure.

Them: Find a way to resist by using your own strengths!

Me: How can I bring down morale by predicting the worst possible outcomes?

Why do people serving in table tennis matches always start the serve looking like this?

If you’ve accidentally seen a Ford commercial you have

Dermatologist: Don’t worry, that’s just a scrabulous cranklorn rotterburt dermafibroma, and it’s completely harmless.

But we can lance it off with a scalpel if it makes you feel like a disgusting monster.

Me: Thanks?

60s band name: The Dogs
70s: Sturm Und Dragon
80s: Roger and the Gang
90s: Squee
00s: Disease Kids
10s: Weasel Farm
20s: edward jockey (5 people)

Anyone wanna come over and burst into tears with me this weekend?

Baba No Currency

Cul de sac? In this economy?!

Apparently I am the only American human who did not eat buttered noodles as a child, also noodle with just butter sounds weird, I like noodles and I like butter but come on you need more than just those two things

This guy has the hardest life

#cats #cat

While you’re going back in time I have a few favors to ask if you wouldn’t mind 👀

Watching Slow Horses and wondering if any other tv show character has had as much time devoted to describing how badly they stink #slowhorses

Me seeing ads for the American version of Traitors after watching the UK one:

Bad Lieutenant: Porking All New Orleans

Watching 2000’s “Quills”:

Marquis De Sade: How do you suppose I write it? I have neither ink nor paper to pen it!

Madeline: You could whisper it through the walls of your cell

MDS: “For Sale: Maiden’s shoes, never c*mmed on”

Rafe Mafe

Did “trying to sleep” really need a 2025 clickbait rebrand? Can’t wait to learn “8 simple hacks for FOODMAXXING including hot new tips like ‘chewing’”

And if the Vengabus
Crashes into us

Reese’s feces

You've just been thrown to your death by the Beatles.

Billy Strings? What’s next, Tommy Drums?