It’s gotten to the point that I can’t see my phone screen without either propping it up 3 feet away or wearing my reading glasses. I keep taking them off and putting them on. I have a chain but the rubber things are too small to fit the frames and the clips get caught in my hair. It’s just annoying.

My big white dog who is a Staffordshire terrier mixed with a white shepherd.

I had a dream that I didn’t have a car. Instead I rode a vehicle thing modeled after my dog. I could hang my purse off his neck and use his ears to turn. I have no idea where this came from.

My son got suspended again. I feel like my kid’s issues are him suffering because I was selfish enough to keep trying to have kids after 3 miscarriages. I feel like I should have taken the hint and now my kid is suffering. I feel like the worst mom. They would be better off without me.

Maybe the gps is broken

I think I have a new Amazon driver. Idk. An hour ago it was ten stops away. Then it was two stops away. I checked later and it still hadn’t been delivered so I looked and it was on the other side of my neighborhood. Ok…then it’s down the road again. Now it’s three streets away again. Lol

My Henckle knives arrived. I can’t wait to break them in this weekend.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but emergency flashers are for emergencies, not rain. They make people around you think you’re having an emergency. Don’t do this. I see this all the time. Certainly use your lights and go slower but no flashers.

It has begun. I love Florida.

His words still echo like a knife to the gut. I’ve let him steal my joy for so so long.

I’m taking it back. Little at a time. I took my body back. I took my writing back. I took my reading back. I’m taking my cooking back. I want my whole self back.

He also yelled at me for putting kale in mashed potatoes (Colcannon) because kale doesn’t go with mashed potatoes. I’ve never made it since.

One last thing about my ex’s food habits. If I was cooking something in front of him then he would “fix it” for me.

I was making a corned beef and cabbage. It’s one of my favorites when done right. It wasn’t good enough for him so he added plantains, malanga, and chayote. It was awful.

I kind of want to roast a duck to celebrate. I haven’t done it in years. I love duck but it isn’t the easiest thing to cook, nor is it a popular meat so it’s not common at restaurants. I think I saw it once on a menu that wasn’t an Asian place.

My eye instantly went to the set of Henckle knives. They arrive tomorrow. I’m so excited. I never would have bought them for myself.

I feel like I don’t deserve anything nice in this world so it’s hard for me to do nice things for myself.

I think this is going to reawaken my love for cooking.

When I was learning to cook, I learned about the difference good knives can make. I always wanted Henckle knives but they were out of my price range. I settled for another set and I just got by.

I just hit my 5 year anniversary at work and I was given the choice between several free gifts.

There used to be a spark when I cooked. It used to make me so, so happy to express myself through cooking and baking. But when I finally left him that joy was completely gone. There was nothing left.

For years, I’ve done the bare minimum to survive. I’m talking freezer dinners and instant potatoes.

His sister in law came over and once complimented my cooking. I think I had made a roasted squash soup. My ex immediately said in front of her that she was just being nice and it wasn’t good.

I was with this man 9 years before I walked away. I was so beaten down when I left.

The american food I made was gross and unhealthy. There was too much fat and not enough flavor. So I tried to learn Caribbean food. He lived in the Bahamas as well as being from Haiti and he loved general Caribbean food. But not when I cooked it. Island women were always better at cooking.

I used to love to cook. I learned so many things to do in the kitchen and I took so much pleasure in cooking and watching people enjoy what I cooked.

But I cooked from my own heart, experiences, and tastes. I grew up on American Irish food. Not one thing I ever made my ex was good enough.

I need to vent. Yes, I know I need therapy. I don’t think I’ll ever do that for myself though.

My ex husband was Haitian. I was born in New England but grew up in Florida.

When I was with him I was expected to cook 3 meals a day, every day. If I ever had leftovers planned I would get the look.

I have no idea what this growing thing is called but if it helps the bees then I’m going to keep leaving it the fuck alone.

It’s literally been years since I saw bees.

You might say that’s because of the deficit of growing things in my yard. People, I love hiking and I’m in Florida. That’s not it.

I have a big bush tree thing outside that has red bundles of flowers.

If there was an opposite of a green thumb, that’s me. I’m where plants go to die. It only lives because I mostly ignore it.

Anyway, it usually has hummingbirds around it. Today there were honey bees. It made me so happy.

Took a break from reading to work on my blanket. I’m running out of steam on it though. I love crochet but I struggle to stay focused on larger projects.

I’m afraid it won’t live up to the hype. I’m sure it will but there’s that fear in the back of my mind.

I see people obsessing on TOG but I just can’t get in to it. I bought the set on Kindle because it was so highly recommended. I’m on Heir of Fire and I’m forcing myself through it. The series is in publication order. I don’t know if that makes a difference. And I adore ACOTAR.

#booksky

I just realized The Wolf Queen comes out a month before ACOTAR 6 comes out. I’m excited for both but I’ll have some rereads to do this summer.

Seriously.

ACOTAR is number one.

The Fae Isles is number two.

I have to go relive it.

I read The Fae Isles and I was obsessed. I just found out Lisette Marshall wrote another book called The Death-Made Prince and I have to read it.

Also, absolutely read The Fae Isles. It’s amazing but I really really want more. There’s a bonus chapter but it’s not enough.

I wonder what it’s like to wake up refreshed and ready to seize the day. I wake up ready to seize whoever woke me.

Struggling through the TOG series and I just want to reread The Fae Isles. I already returned it to kindle unlimited though. I might just buy it.

I realized in talking to somebody today that I’ve never had a positive experience in a relationship. Not once. Not even with the guy I married. I mean, he bought me a book on our first date so there’s that but it was all downhill from there.