She kept me up all night so now I plan to ruin her naps all day

I did! And it was my 50th ride 🙌

Drunk but I have to be in the front row at spin in the morning 🥴

Only Forever by Demi Lovato

But for how long?

Gay culture is sending an instagram profile to my bestie and saying “how do we know this f*g?”

Do not confuse the tide pods and PrEP. Your clothes will be stinky and you will be sick.

One night in Tulsa by Reba McEntire

Dansons by Celine Dion

The REAL new music friday

Ok but I do need her mug that says “woke up sexy as hell again”

We’re really gonna need to work faster on this fountain of youth thing because my cat is starting to show signs of aging and y’all don’t wanna know me if she doesn’t live forever.

Spring has sprung*

*hot dads are back at Home Depot

Drew Barrymore dancing in the rain

It’s raining

In a world full of boys playing games, this level of unrestrained honesty is what MEN should really strive for. Boston 👏 gay 👏 man 👏

Drag queen Plane Jane saying “Mama, kudos for saying that. For spilling.”

Steak and shrimp and potatoes and broccoli for dinner

Dinner was GOOD tonight. I really do belong barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen 🫃

Autocorrect on my iPhone has gotten so bad it’s nearly unusable. I might become the kind of person who sends voice notes instead of this

It’s a Tracy Chapman at the gym kinda morning 🌧️

Oh boy! We’re “dance around the living room in our underwear listening to Jordin Sparks” drunk

I couldn’t be here with anyone else! We both send our best 💌

lol how did you know??

I was able to pull SOMETHING together

Apparently losing 25 pounds means none of my dress pants fit me anymore

Cell Block Tango from Chicago

Idk but I think it still takes two to tango there

Back from the work trip and have to go back to 108 unread emails tomorrow. I don’t think MomTok will be able to recover from this 😮‍💨

This is not enough! You must get MORE!

Tiki drink under umbrellas poolside in Las Vegas

This was cheaper than Prada shoes (barely)

There is a luxury mall between where I am now and my room. Some people lose all their money in Vegas gambling and have nothing to show for it. I will have SHOES to show for it.

You would not believe it is 92 degrees outside by the amount of people on this patio eating French onion soup…

In Vegas for a work trip, having Chardonnay at lunch. Ask me anything

Regional airports are so WILD. What do you mean there are only three gates and they are named Gate 1, Gate 2A and Gate 2B?

And is pronounced “goo-ee-duk” 🤯