A picture of a rather dilapidated copy of "The picture of Dorian Gray" There is visible water damage to the cover and the plastic cover is yellowing. Obviously, not evident from the picture but there is a truly foul musty smell emanating from it!

Last week, a gentleman returned this rather dilapidated copy of this famous book to us after 50 years. He had found it in his attic!
Presumably this means there is a pristine copy somewhere in our libraries....

Statue of Poisedon (or someone else sea-y) holding a trident and looking totes Over It with aggressive-looking fish at his feet

TFW the barbecue wasn't even your idea in the first place and now your fish is starting something

I don't knoooowww! I've obviously checked notification settings multiple times and can't see anything out of the ordinary. Couldn't be bothered going downstairs to stop the tune in the middle of the night so that's how I learned it does eventually stop on its own.

My new mobile phone plays a tune whenever someone posts in a specific group chat, and you can only stop the tune by picking the phone up.

Last night I turned the volume to zero. But at 5:30am I heard the tune playing from the kitchen.

At this point it's less a phone and more an M.R. James story.

Just running the numbers on the previous post's engagement but Excel keeps converting all the zeros into the word LOSER

A website gives you two options: normal delivery or pay more for "Courier FEDEX, Tracked, 2-3 Business Days". What do you think the latter means?

1) Item arrives within 2-3 business days

2) Retailer needs a 1-3 day processing period before dispatching the item, then delivery takes 2-5 days

We won and Covid is officially declared airborne in the inquiry and it’s nowhere in the media. The most important three words to everyone in the UK. Sadly many don’t realise why this is important. The government is failing to inform on post infection risks to the Public!

realisation: this is the american left winger's equivalent of right wing anti-trans people making jokes about "identifying as <x>": a brainless way to scratch an itch created by other bigotries becoming taboo.

Oh hey, I am once again going to talk about lack of distress tolerance, specifically for shame, and how it ties together AI, the “male loneliness epidemic,” Trumpism, and yes, people’s indignation that anyone might think they’re a bad person for continuing to buy Harry Potter merch.

I'm that guy in Memento who keeps touching the triangle and getting an electric shock but for trying to spend the points on my Boots loyalty card

Opinion | Zack Polanski on the Rise of Britain’s Green Party Zach Polanski of Britain’s left-populist party talks austerity, Labour and the establishment crackup.

“Hope without a plan clearly isn’t going to work and a plan without hope sounds bureaucratic to me,” Zack Polanski, the leader of Britain’s Green Party, tells David Wallace-Wells. “And I will get to the plan, I promise. But first: Don’t underestimate the hope.”

Look. Yes, I AM paying for him to come back to Hamelin, guilty, and yes, children keep disappearing, but I just really like the song he plays!

Oes rhywun wedi bathu gair Cymraeg eto?
‘cacheiddio, cacheiddiaeth’ efallai

Dwi'n hoffi "cacheiddio" 😆💩

I know this isn't the point of the Morgan McSweeney stolen phone story, but there needs to be some version of The Knowledge for police call handlers. It really slows down reporting a crime in progress when the person on the other end has never heard of the location! And it's a pain in the backside!

On 5 March I asked Tesla for up-to-date figures on how many Powerwalls they've sold worldwide. No answer or even acknowledgement of my query yet.

My god, I hope their tech support and customer service is better than their press office!

Why your smoke alarm beeps at night (why the battery in my electric blind will work in sunshine even though it was too low power to work the night before)

I failed the introvert test. Come and see me on tour to hear jokes from a man who longer dresses like Shrek.

mickperrin.com/tours/alasdair-beckett-king-king-of-crumbs

"yeah every day someone shows me a hive where the bees make a honeycomb in a whimsical shape, but my REAL dream is to get one of those elusive accounts on "Facebook" or "Instagram". Until then, I'll just keep sending all my pictures to my one friend. Hope he credits me if he posts on my behalf!"

Tiler asked me if there was a screed so I wrote her one

(not actually a joke, as it happens)

Would love to meet a "mate who sent me this" in person one day, because I have questions.

Continually walking past/snapping photogenic, amusing or newsworthy sights and want to share, but have no social media of their own, so their only option is to message friends but never give any context?

Pic of girl looking disgusted with text "When a pic is downloaded and reposted". Next panel shows same girl looking interested and mildly pleased with text "When poster fell for AI & looks stupid".

"OK, so I didn't personally snap that pic of asylum seekers trashing a swimming pool with Big Ben in the background, but it's not my fault I pretended I did, because it was sent to me by several trustworthy friends/sources!"

Ahhhhhh I love it!

I am standing in front of some bookshelves, wearing a T-shirt that reads DESTROY AI. It has a picture of a woman who has just killed a TV-headed robot and is holding up its head in triumph.

My T-shirt is raising questions already answered by my T-shirt.

There's an Irish joke about someone who asks for directions and the other person says "I wouldn't start from here."

Anyway today I saw an non-satirical post about "minimalist hacks for less consumerist living" and one of the first was "Delete the Amazon app!"

A coin on each eye and a marmalade sandwich under the hat.

This is exactly it! I usually have loads of tabs open.

Recently tried a hotel room picker thingy. The feature just flat-out didn't work on my phone. Realised when I got on a real computer that it's because you have to pay for it, but the "pls pay to carry on" popup was invisible on my phone.

Absolutely. Also you can, eg, have your calendar open in another tab, and flick back and forth to choose flights. If something is complicated with lots of variables, you need to assemble the information to make decisions.

I'm not ideologically opposed to doing stuff on a mobile phone! I frequently *start* doing something on a phone, only to find it's so maddening that I switch to a laptop. The triumph of hope over experience etc etc

1) you can see what you're doing and fully read URLs instead of accidentally clicking on BuyMyCarFromScamSite1924848727.com
2) you're not pushed towards some sodding app
3) with dynamic pricing (hotels, trains) laptop lets you clear cookies for lower rates
4) copying & pasting isn't so infuriating