clock is ticking on when i come out at work because being constantly referred to as deadname is driving me a little insane

Hans Zimmer is a transphobe. A tweet reads "I worked for him. I did good work that he praised, but after transitioned he quickly had me fired. He had cue notes named "tr*nnv fight"' etc etc... It's a pattern of abuse that will inevitably come out over time, and I'm glad that the industry is changing slowly."

I regret to inform y'all that Hans Zimmer fuckin sucks.

we had a text chat after i got home to clear the air, and that really helped my emotions calm down and reset and accept that it was nothing personal. i knew that intellectually, but my emotions don't listen easily.

she keeps doing everything right, and it's putting me so unusually at ease with her.

last night that girl and i hung out and had a good time, then she kind of abruptly called things when we went to cuddle because of the nicotine withdrawals. and in the moment my emotions felt kind of wounded, but i really really appreciate that she did that, and she definitely made the right call.

well, no, actually, because Chechnya was very much not a middle power. oops.

hrmmmm. hard question to answer.

the First Chechen War, probably.

tired

nothing happened i am just thinking thoughts

i'm not suicidal, and i very much want to be alive right now.

but.

it still really hurts to think about how i wouldn't really be missed if i was gone.

hinge really sent me an email and a push notification telling me that i was being mutually recommended someone who was a really good match.

so i go look, and she's just about the polar opposite in personality and aesthetic and expression of anyone i would ever be interested in.

i don't get it.

i am being nailed to the fucking wall by an essay.

this post is good. really good.

(this could be your girlfriend if you were dating me)

girlfriend who comes home from work smelling like solder fumes and loctite

am i winning?

finally getting around to reading Nevada. the first few pages are already exactly my shit. why did i wait so long to read this?

on the plus side, i guess.

the day trackers stand as follows:
344 days since last self harm
105 days since last bpd episode

this isn't really about her, either.

i just wish i wasn't like this.

i know if i ever let go and just enjoy things with her without steeling myself, i'll start feeling too strongly about her, and then when she gets tired of me i'll get hurt really badly.

and i can't afford to get hurt like that. i really can't. so i can't even fucking enjoy this while it lasts.

like, sure. okay. i can catch someone's eye for a little while now. but i know it's temporary. it always is.

and i can't even let go and enjoy things with this new girl i'm really into because i know she's going to get bored eventually, and i have to keep myself guarded against that inevitability.

it's been nearly a year since i first wrote those words out.

"i am not the kind of woman who can be loved".

it still feels as true as the day i first wrote it. i don't know how to learn to accept that. i still haven't figured out how to be okay with it.

i'm feeling so lonely tonight.

i'm feeling so alone in general.

life is getting so much better, and yet i still know in my wretched ruined heart that i am not the kind of woman who can be loved.

going to start unfollowing shit that makes me sad when there's nothing i can do about it. i need to not have my entire timeline remind me of how fucked it all is. i know.

because holy fuck. i want to be treated like both her princess and her prey so badly i am actually losing my mind about it a little bit. i want to surrender to her and be at her mercy.

but i don't know how to get over... everything i have going on in my head that's making this impossible.

so the girl i'm fucking has started showing me she's got a switchy side that i have apparently activated completely on accident

and now i am trying to figure out how to work through my mental barriers to getting the subby surrendery things which i desperately want, so that she can give them to me

🫂🫂🫂
what a fucking asshole.

i am so gay for this woman...

made a bumble again.

probably will make a hinge again this weekend too.

this is a mistake, i'm sure, but i gotta get reminded that it's a waste of time before i can shut my mind up about the "what if" type thoughts.

the fit for tonight to go be basically totally alone at a bar for over 3.5 hours until i got too sad about being lonely and left

i don't care about validity. i derive my validity internally. i would rather you call me a bundle of slurs and fight for my healthcare and my right to exist in public and in society. don't call me "valid" while doing fuck-all nothing else for me and pretending you've accomplished something.