Several years ago, I bought my wife a cow for her birthday. Yes, a cow. I live in medieval times. Or biblical times. Or developing country times. Our sponsored child is confused by our updates because their mom also got a cow for her birthday. They want to send us money.
I had to return too-small Amazon pants by walking into the UPS Store and handing pants directly to an employee. I said, "Obviously I'm too fat for these." They scanned a QR code. It didn't work. They said, "Let's try again on the BIG scanner." Even the scanner was too small.
Installing heat tape on my south Georgia well pipes was the best decision I've made since deciding to not buy chickens.
After I searched for "comfortable shoes" and a "comfortable office chair", I started getting ads for "exercise after menopause." I feel disrespected, not by the ads, but by how difficult these exercises are.
My 86yo mom gave me a hug, and in front of my wife and all three teenagers said, "Oh, did you put on a few pounds over the holidays?" The teens reacted like I'd gained 6-7 pounds.
Our pet steer escaped and showed up on our steps like he auditioned for the church nativity but didn't get the part.
bro is in perpetual ai sales mode
As a dad raising six kids I've said "no" so many times that my face now permanently looks like I'm about to say "no"
Is this premium for one person? What would a family plan look like costwise?
The band who sang "I would walk five hundred miles and I would walk five hundred more" is from Scotland, a country which uses the metric system, but still uses miles for road distances, which is appropriate, because no man would walk five hundred "kilometers"
Lord, give me the confidence of a child who wears a Harry Potter costume to a Baptist fall festival.
We have a pet rabbit named Banjo, so when I asked my wife, "Do you know anything about this controversy with Bad Bunny?", Banjo was all ears
Our rural county doesn't have trash pickup. We drive our trash miles away to the dump. But Walmart does same-day delivery to our house for free. It costs us less to buy a pack of gum than it does to throw it away. To save money, I'm having gum delivered directly to the landfill.
Just got an ad for an app that claims to help deal with the most normalized addiction in our society: the phone. An app to deal with phone addiction... on my phone? Fight fire with fire? App with app? Meth with meth? I don't think this will work unless the app installs on a stone tablet.
economy's so bad my 12yo is selling his minecraft inventory on facebook marketplace
hello to everyone in a relationship who paused mid-argument to look at their phone and is now reading this
Nothing today reminds me of my 80s childhood more than this year's Atlanta Braves
No I would not support The Minecraft Act
80s/90s American church kids know that sword drills prepared me for this moment
My teenage son and I walked into O'Reilly Auto Parts to buy new headlights for the van. I opened the cross-reference book hanging from the shelf. My son said, "Dad, we didn't come in here with animal skins and clubs. Use your phone." I found the lights before he did.
Idea: A podcast where the hosts react to podcasts about how to start a podcast
One of my comedian friends said I need to take more risks on stage, so in the middle of my next show I'll be buying bitcoin while also... doing standup comedy full-time
Hello, my name is Ed Wiley and I do standup comedy professionally. Here is a clip of me doing that. Thank you for your time.
www.youtube.com/shorts/TSKks...
Top 5 American Pope Predictions
5. Popemobile races Talladega but they call it Masscar
4. Cameo on Real Nuns of Atlanta
3. Wears Jordans when issuing a papal bull
2. Decrees that offerings now include copays
1. Celebrates DoorDAsh Wednesday w/Chick-fil-A to Vatican (extra sauce for Swiss Guards)
On a positive note, maybe the tariffs will give Dollar General some time to get everything unpacked
walmart curbside employee: hello sir how are you today, are you okay with the substitutions
me: am i being detained
walmart employee: it does have that energy doesn't it
teaching teenagers to drive is like showing your grandma how to use her phone camera, except if she does it wrong, everyone gets whiplash
8 out of 10 Americans use social media every day. Be careful to not look up from your phone, or you might make eye contact with the 2 out of 10 judging you.
we're not pentecostal, but every time another one of our kids reads harry potter they run around the house with a stick speaking in tongues
I've never prayed for an excommunication before but in this case I will make an exception!