My teenage daughter confessed to getting high but said it “wasn’t worth it because of the hangover.” Okay, pussy

It was the pressure after that fourth album

Thanks, now I lost count

What do you want from me???

Counting out twenty one almonds like a Babylonian tax collector

eating dry Cheerios and recalling when my toddlers would drop food on purpose and then smile when I picked it up. jerks!

Let’s celebrate our life together by giving me a blowjob

Ever open a door and there’s another door directly behind it? That’s when you know some shit’s gonna go down.

The meaning of life— like that’s going to help.

If you ask me if I see the humor in things. I will take off my glasses and say No.

I remember the days you could ride piggyback with your bf in drive thru and order food.

Reading economic headlines with my dad and checking his expression to see if they are good or bad

My favorite part after sex is checking to make sure that they didn't steal anything from my house.

One day I’m going to be old and irrelevant, and I can’t fucking wait.

I think I’ve experienced enough lifetime trauma to justify becoming a serial killer and I’m honestly a little annoyed I turned out to be a people pleaser instead.

soon i’ll be at a kid’s bday party snorting rails of pixy stix off the ass of chuck e cheese

i’m such a tradwife that i can’t climax unless i’m fantasizing about churning butter

You kids and your fancy bathroom alchemy. Time was, all you need in the shower was a bar of soap, a can of Schlitz, and a crippling fear of intimacy

I liked this place better when it was broken.

My hair smells like woodsmoke, cotton, sea breeze and jizz.

Don’t stand too close to any (old) flames

I can’t believe sitting outside covered in pollen would make my allergies worse

dementia isn’t all bad, I get to reintroduce my mom to The Supremes twice a week

I’d rather be alone than be someone’s second choice

I’ll second that

A guy named rayburn would know

Showing my love by shaving my balls on the Coney Island Cyclone

if you don't feel funny, go watch a bug for a little while and think about how you act

“You people have no idea what I go through for you!” I yell down into the basement

[Doritos representative shows up at White House]
“We heard something about nuclear dust?”