Nine years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams on a date.

Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

If everything happens for a reason, then shouldn't guys have learned from Adam and Eve to never trust girls..

Ever.

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the knife wrong.

My wife: "Do I look fat in these jeans?"

Me: "Promise not to be mad whatever I say?"

Wife: "Yes of course!"

Me: "I banged your sister".

I just found out my wife has a Tinder profile and I’m furious.

She is absolutely not “adventurous”, and “fun to be around”!

My children will never know the pain of not being able to see a movie because they are all rented out.

There are so many scams on the Internet now...

Send me $9.99 and I will tell you how to avoid them.

Interview Question

Interviewer: What's your worst personal quality?

Me: Honesty.

Interviewer: I don't think honesty is a bad quality.

Me: I don't give a fuck what you think.

My Fiancé said she wanted to be a Trophy Wife.

Now that we’re married all she does is lie around so much she can barely walk. And that’s how I learned my wife doesn’t know how to pronounce “atrophy.”

According to our HR, an office pissing match shouldn’t involve actually peeing on my colleagues.

They’re just angry they lost.

My wife asked me what "mansplaining" means

...now what am I supposed to do?

Told my friend to use multiple dating apps to find a partner because…

… she doesn’t believe in love at first site

My wife is such a slob...

Every time I go to the sink to take a piss, it's full of dishes.

Just cause she has a tight hole, it doesn't mean she is right for your soul.

It’s not possible to have plenty of sex with your man so that he won’t look at porn.

He’ll be very happy to let you try, though.

Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that…..

“This conversation will be recorded for training and quality purposes.”

The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees.

She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"

Everyone thinks I have a nice butt.

When I walk by, I always hear people whisper under their breath, "What an ass!"

Same thing... right?

I stopped singing in the shower.

The last time I did, my neighbors called the cops because they thought I was orally abusing a cat.

My pastime is convincing neighbors' kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.”

Till now I’ve made 2 families move.

I never being thoughtless.

I think about all of my choices very carefully before I decided to piss you off.

My wife told me to get rid of the rats in our house, but then she got angry when I bought a python.

I’ll never understand women.

Wife: Have you been working out?

Me :*tighten* No, honey why?

Wife: Just wanted to make sure you didn’t waste any money on a gym membership to look that bad

I pronounce you husband and wife.

You can now argue with each other until one of you dies.

I once dated a female postal worker.

The only advantage was calling her pussy “the mailbox.”

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Women.

Planned by angels, designed by demons, engineered by nature, and assembled by god.

My wife has been talking for 30 minutes, but I haven’t heard a word. My selective hearing is increasing as a superpower.

You can relate only if you are married.

We never grow old. We all stay kids.

But we just discover how to tell bigger lies.

Life is so easy if right from the start people don’t expect much from you.

That’s why I’m going to name my next kid after a donut.