This week’s The Dark Room shows:

25/4 Debug Festival Norwich

26/4 Old Woollen Farsley (70% seats already gone!)

All shows + tix: thejohnrobertson.com/livedates

It seems like the U.S government’s problem with the Pope is mostly that English is his first language. Much easier to ignore the Bishops Of Rome when they’re subtitled.

Ahahahahahb

I can’t believe they straight-up used the Ecco Mega-Drive box art!

Upsides:

- LADDER MATCH!

- last match

- the show isn’t just backstage bullies taking their private grievances out in public anymore

- so many women!

- Dom’s big chair

- DANHAUSEN

Downsides:

- Saudi blood money

- endless ads

- Brock shouldn’t have been there

- are people’s dicks stronger than they used to be? Feels like a low blow used to be a nuclear bomb going off in the groin

- Roman silently fucks, amazing work from the censor there

- are the wrestlers off the roids or on Ozempic?

- I really hate when wrestlers clear the table before throwing people through it. You’re gonna break someone’s spine, but those HDMI cables are innocent?

- it’s nice not to hear Vince McMahon’s insanity being conveyed with the commentators tho

- how come the entrance videos have become just the wrestler’s names?

- wow, CM Punk got off the roof of the venue really quickly, when I was a kid Hulk Hogan had to throw you off

Wrestlemania Night 2

- Cena has awful job. Can’t make crowd cheer without info they might want to cheer for.

- piss play fan and alleged human trafficker Brock retires, presumably to drink more piss

- Hulk Hogan dead gets more TV time than Hulk Hogan alive because Netflix has a doco to promote

Was off social media for the better part of a week except to post work updates and jokes while I travelled

10/10 decrease in exposure to paranoia, loathing, monetised disinformation and all manner of bullshit unless you’re in an active war zone

Can recommend!

for an idea of how big a deal this is, my mom was in great shape when she got diagnosed and she lasted less than sixty days. six years is insane.

My old high school principal dealing with WWE:

“Now, come on Randy. RKOs don’t come out of nowhere. They come out of your behaviour.”

- whole audience cheering Bianca’s pregnant stomach was honestly wonderful.

Any other era in WWE since 1998 she would’ve been shamed, physically assaulted in storyline or the commentators would’ve been saying she looked fat

- I was going to say that Liv’s entrance was awesome, but if I was going to have a highly personal fight I would simply not perform a highly choreographed dance routine on the way to the ring, but then Vacquer’s big move is humping people’s heads

- the exterior shots of daytime Vegas make the venue look like a mass jail in a dystopian desert

- if a match is “Unsanctioned” why it allowed to be on the show? Shouldn’t it just be two guys trying to rip each other’s nuts off in the carpark?

*twenty gloryholes, not twenty people who’ve enjoyed a gloryhole

Wrestlemania so far:

- the camera people keep falling over!

- someone called Funny Marco got a smaller cheer than a corporate mascot called The General

- Alexa Bliss without moth wings = sexy ewok

- Seth Rollins has dressed as twenty gloryholed

The audio is TERRIBLE

Hey! It’s Femolition! #wrestlemania

What in A Bug’s Life is going on here #wrestlemania

It’s inaccurate to say Mario is brave and Luigi is cowardly

Luigi is afraid of death, so he runs away from danger. Mario is afraid of living, so he runs towards death. Both brothers are cowards in their own way

CHARLIE BROWN: Yes mistress, you're right, mistress, I'm a blockhead! a hopeless blockhead!

DOMINATRIX: wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah

Fawlty Towers must lose Basil and the hotel and only then will it work

A WhatsApp message reading “Baby, your lifestyle”

My girlfriend sums it up:

A pale man in sunglasses, a black beanie, shorts and sleeveless exercise vest stands arms outstretched on the large rocks of a beach, the incredibly blue water of Bermuda is behind him

Security footage of level one of The Manor nightclub on the Virgin Voyages ship Valiant Lady, an audience has assembled in dark blue light as The Dark Room’s pre-show message “You are about to die!” flashes on three large projector screens on and about the stage.

The Statue Of Liberty in a photo taken from the window of the Staten Island Ferry

Two large slices of New York pizza on red and white checkered grease paper and a bottle of Coke Zero on a street side table on the Avenue of the Americas in central New York City

The life of a touring stand-up is why this was my last week:

- solo show in Harpenden, UK
- fly to Bermuda
- three shows on a cruise boat
- arrive New York 6:30am yesterday
- arrive 6am London today
- now on a train to Newcastle to get a train to North Shields for a show
- 4am train home

The Emperor of THE DARK ROOM, Mr. John Robertson, joins us for a hysterical discussion on Neurodivergent Moments podcast.

Check out the full episode wherever you get your podcasts and check out @robbotron.bsky.social to get the most seductive t-shirts in the comedy merch game. 😎

ChatGPT! It has its frothing haters...

Unemployed Artist: My career and entire industry's been destroyed, to save CEOs a tiny percent of money they don't need

...But it also has its innovative enthusiasts!

Some guy, grinning at us, covered in blood: THE GOD INSIDE MY PHONE SAYS I'M THE CHOSEN ONE

YouTube videos being presented like 90s documentaries

"You might think that video games are: good. Great. Maybe even... decent. But what if I told you they actually sucked shit?"

I suspect the Pope sounds "woke" to many Christian conservatives because the US is steeped in prosperity theology, where the point of worship is to deliver health and wealth to believers. Thus, "feed the hungry" and "show mercy for the poor" sounds needlessly political and "woke."

It was a NIGHTMARE! Hope you made it!

New Neurodivergent Moments podcast episode featuring the DUKE of THE DARKROOM, the KING of CYBERPUNK @robbotron.bsky.social himself.

Talking about Set it & Forget It mindset, dulcimers, and climbing the Eiffel Tower.

Listen wherever you get your podcasts. Hosted by @joewellscomic.bsky.social & me