Know what should be deported? My next door neighbor’s wind chimes.

*accidentaly murders a vampire trying to set up a tent*

My toxic trait is thinking one productive hour means I’ve earned six months of rest.

Every relationship reaches the stage where grocery shopping together counts as quality time.

Listening to the sounds of birds used to calm me, until I learned that they were just complaining.

April 15: the day extensions are due.

I want to hear the album once it comes out, not when I record it.

“Nacho” cheese was the first joke I evert told.

Compassion is the only rule.

I want my dog’s life.

I love fleas.

This cheeseburger smells so good!

~Me having Burger King delivered to my wife’s work

Me: The algorithm will be kind to me

The Algorithm: Here are your new enemies

Milk is so white.

The average person eats over 100 spiders everytime they try a bite of my patented spider casserole

A teacher is one who learns to hold their farts.

Cool

This Dyson sucks!

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Who even sees this?

Like if you do.

Pulled a muscle on the exercise bike and dropped all three of my hot dogs

My notification button refuses to update.

“My shoes are loose!”

*buys toe extensions on Amazon.com*

*rain cloud appears*

Sunbathing Wicked Witch of the West: [screaming]

I have to give Cheetos to my dog. Her species will never develop the technology.

Friend: Do one thing every day that scares you

Me: [hangs out with extended family] this is awful

this is some nice lip balm (grease from my rotisserie chicken)

I believe in using songs to say things.

*werner herzog voice* one day the eggs will hunt you

A taco quesadilla thing made with a freshly made flour tortilla, ground beef, beans, various peppers and onions, plain greek yogurt, and Chili Gods hot sauce

making tortillas at home is top tier

Here's my million dollar idea: butthole deodorant. (Don't steal that.)