Amityville Horror house goes back on the market
Five minutes later:

Wait... Dr. Jekyll WAS Mr. Hyde?

FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER: You is my friend
ME: No, no, it's "You ARE my friend"
FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER: *kills me*

count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*

TV ADVERTISING IN THE U.S.

The announcer: "Side effects may include vomiting, diarrhea, aneurysms, strokes, massive heart attacks and angry murder sprees."

The image on-screen:

get your hand off that thing we're filming

what are YOU giving out this Halloween?

count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*

unending misery would be a woebius strip

🎵 quantum physical, physical 🎵

Sir Isaac Newton-John

A photo of an elephant walking in a grassy field that has a couple of black scribbles on it. You ac still clearly see that it’s an elephant

If anyone can guess this animal I will eat a box of Krispy Kreme’s😏

me: *posts a joke on bluesky I'm convinced is a banger*

everyone else: *a silence so vast and terrifying that the living will envy the dead*

I'm sorry I didn't come to your funeral but you didn't seem to notice

Just checking on my investments.

*seeing if the avocados I bought three days ago are ripe yet

Life is all about balance. Whenever I feel invincible. I remind myself of the time I punched myself in the face putting on a sock

You have to keep exercising forever, you can never stop. They don't tell you that when you sign up.

OFFICER: ma’am, can you step out of the vehicle?

ME: i DuNnO, CaN i ? ? ?

A FLOCK OF SEAGULLS STUDYING A WORLD MAP: Iran, Iran so far away

her: i love you more than ever, andy, and i will never let you go
me: mom did you call that therapist i told you about

you can have one of my cargo shorts pockets for your own personal use

I don’t mind my own company, I just wish I would shut up occasionally.

If a movie sequel is subtitled ‘The Final Chapter’ there are 3 things of which you can be certain:

1. It will not be a good movie

2. The producers know that the series should have ended 2 movies ago

3. It will in fact turn out not to be the final chapter, anyway

I'm sorry I didn't come to your funeral but you didn't seem to notice

A man holds a chicken in a giant slingshot.

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

Street sign reads “3-WAY COMING SOON 06-04-2013.”

been coming here every day for over ten years and i’m starting to lose hope